....wow.

hey boy, yeah you;
I hope you`re not here to harm me
see sometimes, you`re charming
sometimes, you`re alarming...
made to disarm me, but I can`t let you.

not letting you get next to me is hard; you try, and effort counts in my book.
not reprimanding myself for trusting you is hard; known alot of people like you...with hidden motives.
not ignoring you when you call me is hard; one night, alone it was like 6 times...=/.
not forcing you away from picking my brain is hard, it`s a dark and scary place in there & I`m not too sure you`re ready.
not blaming you for the circumstance you`ve put me is hard; it`s your fault.
not rolling my eyes when you lie to me is hard; you tell little white lies that irk the hell out of me. not hanging up when you say my name too many times is hard; annoying...stop it.
not fleeing when you say "I love you," is hard; because it never feels completely platonic when you say it.

so i let you...probably shouldn`t but, yeah.

I'm so tired of feeling that I don't deserve some one special. I do, 17 years too late I realize that I do deserved to feel cared about and loved. Why am I still single? Besides the fact that I may not be a supermodel, because people I know - and I'm not saying this to be mean in any way - are not that damn attractive eiether and they still have something that I don't. Love. Not friend love, of that I have enough. Not family love. I have just what I need of that. But something different and stronger than all of that combined. Everytime I call myself liking someone in that different way I ALWAYS get hurt. They don't feel the same. They don't feel anything at all. They do feel the same, but for somebody else. There's this guy at school, and I swear he likes me. It's the little things. But he's shorter than me, and it frustrates me that I don't give everyone a chance. It frustrates me that I'm shallow...not much, but enough to make me feel like I'll never find the the type of guy I'm looking for. Never find one that's interested in me. My bestfriend Kyrea says that I'm too awesome to be with someone right now. I hope not that much, because I want a guy that I can call my own & that will accept me for who I am. And not hurt me. Or make me cry. Spent 7 years crying, and I refuse to shed another tear over another boy that could give a less fuck about me. This one guy has been being really nice to me...but I keep my guard up. I spend nights just sitting up asking myself what could he possibly want from me? I don't trust people with my heart that don't earn it. I hate being this way, but it's how I keep myself from getting hurt. That's how I make sure the people in my circle are in it for the long run. I'm tired of feeling alone, no matter how many people love me. This other guy, I have a horrible crush on him. Just thinking about him right now sends my imagination on a journey. But we're so incompatible from my point of view. He's all I want and I'm all he doesn't. When he's around, my vocal cords completely stop working. But he doesn't like me, nor does he known I exist so it's stupid to let my delusions of grandure continue, right? Try telling my brain that. I'm so confused and it's killing me to not know which way I wanna go on all those situations. I'll take my own advice; let it play out and just hope for the best...

public service announcement.

I`m gonna start off with things I tweeted yesterday after I woke up.

damn, lmao. last night / this mornin was funnnnn. man im doin the most this summer haha =D staying on the phone from 9 PM till 6 AM with the wife, laughin` about dumb shit. oh and we ( me & Alexis ) are starting a graphic production. cause bitches don`t be graphic makin`, they be graph-fakin.

Graph-fakin. A word that I came up with in less than 5 seconds. I`ve only been a "graphic designer" for like three, going-on-four years in October but damn. I know enough to know the unspoken rules of being such. For the past year, or so, people`ve been hyping some lame ass, half done ass graphics and frankly I`m starting to get offended. Rule number one, when you make graphics, don`t leave any stone unturned. That means you need to check, check, and double check your shit. Make sure you`ve blended every texture, that the font goes well with the overall theme and that it`s readable / easy on the eyes, layer settings are right, colors or lack thereof are poppin, that things are angled the way you want, placed where you want & everything is one hundred because after its all said & done....that graphic represents you. Your visions, your art, your talent, your creativity. So if you half ass a graphic, - especially if it`s for somebody else - that`s a bad look (rule number two, what you create represents you. even moreso if you`re making it for someone else`s use, so take pride in it and aim for perfect execution). Luckily, I`ve had plenty to turn to if I got stuck with something. Wifey was actually my graphic mentor & if it wasn`t for her inspiring me, I would never be as dope as she says I am. So, kissesssss ;-) haha. With some people, they have all the drive in the world, take the initiative in the business aspects of their craft, but don`t bring it that hard with the product. What`s the point, then? The night I mentioned in my tweets, me and L got one someone`s helmet about overthinking (rule number four, no overthinking-) a concept (and fucking it up completely because it`s too complicated &). Babe, overthinking just makes it commit suicide. Just like underthinking (rule number four cont., no underthinking-) it (because that will make people have to ask what the hell its supposed to be). And half assing (rule number three, no half assing) it.

And rule number fckin` five, respectively, do not let personal relationships or shadows of personal relationships or signs of a personal relationship blossoming hinder your business relationship.

To further break that down;

DO NOT LET STUPID ASS DREAMS OF BEING FRIENDS / THE HISTORY OF ONCE BEING A FRIEND / THE POSSIBILITY OF BECOMING A FRIEND WITH YOUR CLIENT SUPERCEDE THE FACT THAT YOU STILL HAVE MADE AN OBLIGATION TO MAKE THEIR GRAPHICS, THATS IT. If they want a friend in you, they`ll come to you. Being over-sensitive & clingy makes them regret even having you in their promotion team. Keep it all corporal and not hoe-motional.

Okay, let`s run it back.

#1 - Don`t leave any stone unturned, check your work.

#2 - What you create represents you, especially if you`re making it for someone else`s use, so don`t fuck up.

#3 - No half assing is allowed. You don`t feel like it, don`t do it. All ass plus extra, or no ass at all.

#4 - No over / underthinking. It just fucks shit up, either way.

#5 - Personal relationship or not, focus on strengthening the business relationship.

Have a nice day.

emotional clarity.

You never realize how much you hold inside until it's all fighting to be let go. When you feel like you're on your last leg of sanity. Something has to give, right? Your brain stem taps in and braces you for the mental cleansing. In the past couple months, everything I've felt has built up to this point of freedom. I already am a "stress internalizer", so frankly this was not something I needed. It started off as just being overtly too happy, then excited, and as I overthought my excitement, my imagination went wild. Anybody that knows me on a personal level, knows that I only need a little inch of freetime and one statement to take into as many different contexts as possible and develop this whole living organism of thoughts. That keep me up at night, entertain me even when it's not the right time to. I mean, I enjoy it when it's not severe. I let it grow, with no restraints and found myself in a horrible place filled with anxiety, doubt, frustration and over-analyzation. A place that I have no control of, a place that lives in all of us as human beings, no matter how "emotionally stable" you think you are. Needless to say, I needed to get out of there fast because as a person that feeds off positive energy and even recycles my own, I was being starved. There was an extent to how happy I could be. The last two posts were proof of that. True happiness has no limitations. I think what finally pulled me out of that slump was having somebody say they were feeling the same way I was that didn't really know me that well to have just been saying it to make me happy. Empathy. People forget how small things like that can make alot of difference. It's the littlest things that take me there, like Lily Allen said. For me, it's always a person I wouldn't expect to make me feel better. Something really cool happened, a while ago too and aside for the giggle and occasional, "Oh my life, that was funn..." I'm not even over-thinking it. Some things need that much attention, and ones that make you happy usually don't. Just go with the flow...=D

there really isn`t a point to this one...

I`m very frustrated right now. A small part of me feels like I fuck up everything for myself. It`s enough to make me feel that way in almost every situation I`m in. Maybe I place too much of my mind into one thing, and as many times as I do that I never seem to get the same amount of whatever I was looking for back. Won`t go into detail as to what I`m talking about, because frankly I`m getting a bit tired of it being the only thing on my mind all the time. Giving one person/object/thought so much attention, when I shouldn`t. When it`s nothing, really. Spending too much energy trying to analyze things, people, and just forget to go with the flow. And not only do I use up energy, I usually get fucked over at the end and have to pick myself up off the floor. I mean, I can`t help it because its in my nature. But I`m tired of always fucking things up by overthinking every little sentence, or dream, or whatever. Letting it control my emotions. So right now, I say fuck it.

I`m gonna go with the flow again.

P.S. i just read this over, and I didn`t mean to say the word fuck like, [ counts ] 5 times, including in this sentence. I didn`t mean for it to come off like I was mad. But then again, frustration and anger run pretty close to eachother. Frustration has more thinking involved, when anger is just a feeling that stems from emotional/mental/physical pain or displeasure.

I guess I should follow my own words...

"eventually, everything will be okay..."

I say that alot, and I`m trying to figure out is it because I psyche myself out or is it because I try to make other people see. I`m a girl young woman, with dreams, with goals, I have my own problems, my own vices, I tend to have an overactive imagination, I try not to overreact, I spread my love because I know that sometimes people don`t get enough of it & to fix that I try to love everybody, I keep a level head in bad situations just because I know that people are prone to freakin` out. I listen to others when they need an ear because I`d rather help somebody with their own problems, than face my own. I keep a positive bubble to take refuge in, in the midst of negativity coming from all sides. I never seem to stay that way. Someone puts their bad feelings against the side of my bubble and it pops before I even have the time to apprieciate it. And when it does get bad, I never take my own advice. How`ve I become the poster child for something I don`t preach? Right now, things are spinning out of control too fast and I don`t really believe I`ll be able to handle it if this shit decides to hit the fan. My mom`s sitting up in a hospital, everyone`s emotions are running high & my father thinks that pushing his anger and frustration out on everyone else will help us. Not at all. I don`t know how long I`ll be able to say to myself, "eventually, everything will be okay..." Maybe we should take up Yoga or suttin` cause I`m losing it over here.