...anticipation.

You might be wondering, "Well, what the hell is the purpose of this blog?" or "Oh hell, here comes more random rants..."

But seriously, I'm here to talk about someone who is terribly underrated.

So, yesterday I got word that Mr. Neverson was dropping his mixtape Anticipation at 12 AM. Needless to say, I, being a Trey Songz fan myself, was excited. Me and Chelsea (http://theycallmesaucy.blogspot.com/, check her the fuck out lol) always talk about how Trey is soo underrated. He is uber talented, you guys. Anywho, you know after a certain time of the night, Brandy becomes narcoleptic. So, I just actually downloaded it like, an hour ago. And it has the potential to be my second favorite mixtape of `09. I - I don't think it will surpass my love for So Far Gone, but it sure is right there under it. These other rappers and singers need to really come hard. To even be on my top 10 must mean you have talent out the ass. Trey is a prime example. Most of the songs on Anticipation are slow, Showerlude, Scratchin` Me Up, Does She Know, You Belong To Me, On Top, It Would Be You , Yo Side Of The Bed and a live version of Successful, the collabo with Drake and Lil` Wayne that also appeared on So Far Gone. The rest of the songs, Famous, Infidelity, More Than That, Make It Rain & She Ain't My Girl are more up / mid-tempo. It shows how much he's grown since I Gotta Make It and Trey Day (which I loved to death). Now he has me anticipating Ready, his junior album. I'm soooo excited for it now. AND I'M GOING TO BUY IT. If you know me, you know why I just said that. To cop Anticipation, visit his blog, http://www.seefurtherthaniam.com/.

You wont be disappointed.

chapter three.

Right now, I’m sealing letter nine. I don’t think I can go on like this. My nightmares are getting gorier, more realistic, and that only happens when I’m keeping something from him. I don’t wanna confess to something I’m not sure of. Last night, he didn’t get to call me, but he text me before then. I didn’t feel like sleeping last night. I couldn’t sleep; my mind was so busy with memories. I like to think that he can’t sleep very well without me either, just so that I know he’s feeling the same. Today, my Mac Book Pro came in the mail and I’m excited. Now we can iChat. My mother sensed my happiness and immediately made it bitter sweet. “Brandy, I don’t understand why that boy is so important to you.” It’s becoming hard to bite my tongue. She continued. “He ate, slept and breathed you. Used to be over here at all times of the night comforting you. I think he’s just feeding your abundant, unhealthy need for attention.” Abundant, unhealthy need for attention? If you would’ve provided me with it, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere. So, since I found someone willing to fill a void in my life, you call it unhealthy? This woman needs therapy. See, this is why I don’t come out of my room. She continues to pick at a wound I’m trying to heal. “I think this time apart is good. Maybe you two’ll see how much you don’t need eachother.” Pushed the wrong button. I said, “That’s exactly why. You don’t try to understand. You jump to conclusions. I don’t have to worry about being analyzed around him, unless I want to. Or told what to do. Or ignored. Or brushed off. I don’t need you to do this right now, because I don’t want to have to hurt your feelings” and with that, I took my laptop upstairs. I’m mad that people are not trying to understand how hard this is for us. All my life, the only people who truly have an understanding of me have been my twin and my best friend. Chelsea’s with her boyfriend most of the time, happy, and I don’t wanna fuck that up with my problems. It`s bad enough we share the same soul and brain, so whether she wants to or not, she’ll always feel a little bit of what I feel. I wish everybody would just accept that some friendships will never die. I’m tired of us having to constantly prove ourselves. No alternative motives. People are constantly trying to bring us down. Maybe that’s why I haven’t completely gone crazy. We are not a lost cause. No matter how far away or how many nights I cry, it still won’t be enough to give up. Even if he can’t be with me at night. I can’t just quit on him, because I’d like to think he needs me. Now, more than ever, so close to his dreams. And I need him just as much…

I still cannot believe it...

"And they say why, why? Tell `em that it`s human nature...Why why, does he do me that way?"

Never in a million years, did I think we`d be reporting such sad news so early in his lifetime. I still don`t believe it, and it really took me today to accept the fact that he`s gone. At 6:07 PM, getting ready to see Transformers: Rise of the Fallen, I recieved two messages, one from my best friend Derrick, and one from my great friend Yulayky, saying the same thing. "Michael Jackson died." I`m like, "Wow." My dad looks over at my shocked face, and asked me what I was talking about, so I told him. "Nuh uh," was his reply, "Who sent you that?" When i told him the names, he just dismissed it and told me sometimes I shouldn`t believe everything I hear. Minutes later, CNN reports that Michael Jackson, of age 50, the King of Pop, has died and my father`s eyes widen. "He did! Brandy..." I stare at the TV in disbelief and the only word I could say was wow. My mom is staring at the screen as well, and she shakes her head, "Wow, Michael`s gone..." My head fell.

Fast forward to me and my mom getting into the car, and driving on the horribly crowded interstate. Our movie started at seven, and I was slightly frustrated because it didn`t look like we`d make it in time. I have the radio up to one of the more informative stations, Hot 105. I sign into Twitter on my phone, and he`s become the Trending Topic. This man is a legend. They report that CNN, MSNBC, and the New York Times have confirmed Michael`s death and say that the rest of Mr. Baisdon`s show will be dedicated to the late King of Pop. The first song that they play, in this dedication is one of my favorites, "Human Nature". Me and my mom silently enjoy the music, mouthing along with the words. Our grief is speechless, but bears a thousand volumes. I text Chelsea, and its 6:34 where we are, telling her, "Michael Jackson died, mama." Immediately afterwards, she calls me, on the interstate on the way to Montgomery, AL to see her sister. "Are you serious? I can`t believe it...I didn`t want to, but I turned on the radio and its everywhere..." All I can do is sympathize with her denial. "Brandy, I wanna pull over, and fuckin` bawl." I rub my face, "Me too, but I`m not driving...so yeah, but I understand." Rock With You starts playing. "Okay, Bee, I`m on the interstate...I`ll talk to you later." We hung up. After that, the rest of the carride is silent. As hurt as I am, as grief stricken, I can`t cry. I can`t cry. We finally get to the movies, and I`m enjoying the movie partially, with Michael and his legacy still on my mind. "What`ll happen to the kids?" I think..."are all his partially estranged family together right now?"

This man is a legend. People use his albums, and read them like textbooks trying to understand his success and how to conform that into their own talent. This recording artist, philantropist, entertainer, businessman, idol is gone. His music is still apprieciated everywhere, despite the scandals, the lies and the misrepresentation. The World, is crying for him right now. Not just the US, not just the United Kingdoms, not just Africa, India, Asia...all of them, together we`re mourning the loss of a King. Let word of him, be good word and memories, be good memories at a sad time in Pop Culture, and the music industry.

Michael Joseph Jackson

August 29th, 1958 - June 25th, 2009.

You will be terribly missed, love.

the next installment, enjoy. =)

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chapter two.

I think it’d be best for me not to tell him how much I’ve been crying. Maybe, it’s not something he needs to know. Not something anyone needs to tell him while he tries to get in the zone for another concert, especially somebody that he cares about so much. When we’re on the phone, I sound happy about everything, but knowing him, he knows the truth. If he does, he never says anything. He can tell everything about me. Yesterday, he called me while I was in the middle of crying. I couldn’t not answer and worry him, so I just sniffled and answered the phone. First thing he said, after our “hello’s” and “how are you’s” was, “Stop crying….you sound congested.” I can look at him, and he knows how I feel & I don’t have to say it. Silent understanding. I can say one thing, and he knows that it means another. It’s maddening not having around the one person who knows you like you know yourself. My solace. Usually, at night he stays over with me at least until I go to sleep. I suffer from reoccurring nightmares. We talk absentmindedly, but if it gets too quiet for too long, I snuggle up to him with my head on his chest, and then I’m out like a light. I think that’s why he calls me at night, to give me some comfort. I don’t tell him that it usually never works, and sometimes I have to pretend that I’m sleepy just so he can hang up the phone with me and go to sleep himself. I don’t want him to be tired trying to please me. It wouldn’t be fair t0 do that, even if he is my best friend and wants to. Sleep is pretty much pointless for me without someone else’s body heat. My parents don’t approve of us being best friends at all, but ultimately this is my life. I’ve chosen to ignore them, not rebelling, but for their reasons against us. They say, “Why you always around that boy? What is it that he does for you that your sister, your dad and I can’t give?” and I always think to reply, he loves me & understands me on a level that nobody has been to but him. He’s not family, so his love is different from your love. But they don’t think we know what that type of love is…they also don’t feel there’s anything that drastic about me for him to be the only one who understands. Yeah, they’re also full of shit. When I get tired of not sleeping, Chelsea lets me sleep with her. It’s comforting, but sometimes I feel that I burden people with my problems. He says I should get out of that habit, because he’ll always be there to listen. Bad habits are hard to break. But I like to think I’ll always have somebody there to listen, and hold. I like to think he’ll come through for me, no matter how far away he gets. He says, "I ain't let you down yet, right Bee?" and I smile at the tone of his voice, 'cause we know both that he won't.

Inspired by my Twitter friend Alanna`s words (www.twitter.com/peacelovewords) on my literary slump, I decided to get back into my writing groove. It always gave me peace of mind when things weren`t going right, and I miss the outlet. So, I`ll also, in addition to posting graphics, random songs & my thoughts, be posting chapters or what not to what I`m working on when it comes to writing. Without further adu, here`s the start of my fictional masterpiece.

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chapter one.

It’s been five days since he’s been gone, and I find myself reverting back into who I used to be without him. Only problem is, I don’t like who I am without him. When he’s around, I feel invincible no matter what the truth is. He’s not here, and I understand that I’m vulnerable. He’s told me not to worry about it and I shouldn’t but its hard not to. He told me, "Everytime you think about me, write me a letter. Keep writing, till every thought you have about me is on the paper in front of you & then seal it in an envelope. I’ll read them when I get back, all of them, I promise..." and kissed my forehead. I’m on the seventh letter. I’m just here, alone, pensive, but we both knew one day this would happen. He’d blow up, get global, go off on tour where every girl loves him & screams for him, at him and the other guys, while I’m holding him down here, losing my mind and the little bit of patience I have left day after day. Out of the millions of people loving him now, all their love will never compare to just one day of mine, he said. Watching him on concert has brought me closer into reality, so I’m starting to disagree. I’d like to think he believes what he says. I know if he didn’t, we’d both be in the same problem instead of just me. I like to think he understands what’s happening right now, that it`s not just my parents that think we shouldn’t be as close as we are, now the whole world agrees. I sit in my room while Chelsea goes out and represents for the both of us, and listen to music hoping that his voice doesn’t come up on my iPod’s shuffle. It would only send me into a fit of unwanted tears. I’m tired of crying. Twin says, "Cheer the fuck up...he’ll be back and then you guys can be again." I tell Chels that it’s not gonna be simple like that anymore. She gets asked the same questions by our friends everyday, “Is Bee okay?”, “How’s she holding up?”, or my personal favorite, “Still haven’t came out of her room yet?” It’s not that easy to bounce back from feelings like these. We talk almost every day, he texts me, I text back, he IMs me, I hit back, he calls me & we talk until his voice lulls me into sleep I haven’t been getting. Am I selfish, because it’s not enough?

She`s okay now, you guys. No need to worry. There wasn`t really a need for this blog, just except to tell you guys that my playlist is updated ^_^. It`s definetly on its grown & sexy right now.

[ not in this order ]

1. Bria`s Interlude - Drake & Omarion

2. Needs - Omarion

3. Take It Off - Pharrell & The Yessirs

4. Girlfriend - DAY26

5. Just Know - Marcel

6. Zodiac - Chris King

7. Pillow Talk - Kid Cudi

8. Come Close - Common & Mary J

9. Come Winter - Drake

10. Future In You - FDM

11. Lust For Life - Drake

12. Identity - Jermaine Riley

* i might add, like 8 more songs before the night is over, but I`ll edit them in.

&& I did a Drake graphic for my twin, Saucy, over at Houstalantavegas (theycallmesaucy.blogspot.com) and I think I`m in love with it. You be the judge.

[ click to view it bigger ]

I was inspired by this vision of little bubbles floating around him, they symbolize all of his thoughts, the bright ones being good thoughts, and the darker ones, not so much. They surround him, some of them are embedded into him, attached, because he`s So Far Gone.

[ snaps fingers ]

I guess I should follow my own words...

"eventually, everything will be okay..."

I say that alot, and I`m trying to figure out is it because I psyche myself out or is it because I try to make other people see. I`m a girl young woman, with dreams, with goals, I have my own problems, my own vices, I tend to have an overactive imagination, I try not to overreact, I spread my love because I know that sometimes people don`t get enough of it & to fix that I try to love everybody, I keep a level head in bad situations just because I know that people are prone to freakin` out. I listen to others when they need an ear because I`d rather help somebody with their own problems, than face my own. I keep a positive bubble to take refuge in, in the midst of negativity coming from all sides. I never seem to stay that way. Someone puts their bad feelings against the side of my bubble and it pops before I even have the time to apprieciate it. And when it does get bad, I never take my own advice. How`ve I become the poster child for something I don`t preach? Right now, things are spinning out of control too fast and I don`t really believe I`ll be able to handle it if this shit decides to hit the fan. My mom`s sitting up in a hospital, everyone`s emotions are running high & my father thinks that pushing his anger and frustration out on everyone else will help us. Not at all. I don`t know how long I`ll be able to say to myself, "eventually, everything will be okay..." Maybe we should take up Yoga or suttin` cause I`m losing it over here.

the bakery...

"...where all Cupcakes are made to order."
bare with my thought jumping, will ya?


Okay, so the bakery has been very bare lately, because I haven`t been inspired by anything to make new graphics =/ sad, I know. I dunno, really why but maybe its because I`m so stressed out...being around my mother and father all damn day is maddening. Oooo, I cannot wait to get out of this house. Pray for me.... Lately, I`ve been thinking about my iPod (Touch, 8 GB). It was stolen on April 17th, `09 by some damn hoodlum(s) [ ughh I hate my school ] & I`m soon to be getting another one. In Costco`s, they have the 8 GB for $219.00 (Apple Retail - $229.00) and the 16 GB for $274.00 (Apple Retail $329.00). So can you blame me for wanting the 16 gig? My father is trying to sway my mama into not getting me anything for being picky, but I already know that she`s not gonna get the 16. But, she also sees how miserable I am without my portable entertainment device so she has agreed to buy the 8 gig (yaaayyy me =) on July 11th. Why this date? Personally, I have no idea. To make the days go faster in the meantime, I sleep =) Smart huh?

Hmm, off to another random topic on my mind and the moment; ...reason number one of why I despise the summer. M I A M I...where the lowest temperatures are at night, and never go under 80 degrees. Where at 12 o`clock PM (the hottest time of the day) it is damn near 100 de-freakin`-grees outside. Then to top it all off, for two weeks straight, it has rained everyday at 3 o`clock in the afternoon and completely fucked up my already weining internet connection for 2 hours. Man, whaaattheefuck is up with Mother Nature this summer? Anywho, my portable leash is off, for a week only though, and I don`t know whether to be happy or sad about that. The people that I want to talk to, will get called someway or another.


"...sometimes you make me smile, I can feel you....I`m missing you."

& bingo was his name-o.

Umm, I got some pictures to colorize...later, though. I`m actually asleep right now =) & scheduled this blog. Well on a more current note, check my wife out, yeah?

L.

http://anisemoht.blogspot.com/

Me and her have been married (sub)faithfully (lmfao) for a long time, and I`m gonna talk to her about bein` faithful to her blog as I`m going to try to. I`ll put them in our vows or suttin`.

Oh and sidenote, I`m gonna show you guys a colorization I did that I`m publically in love with.

Yes, i did all the coloring, on photoshop.

Been wanting to tackle this picture for a long time, and now that im done...blahh, its back to the drawing board.

"the future is here..." =) FDM.

If you guys don`t know who these gentlemen are....you really really suck (lol) j/p. FDM, or as true fans know them as, Fundmental `03, originated in 2003 in the UK on a popular show circuit (I forget which one, oops). The one in the center would be Mr. Jermaine Riley, lead singer / graphic designer / song writer / Superhero extrordinaire. Dude, when I say I love him....lol. Far left, would be Mr. Varren Wade, who plays aloot of instruments and contributes to the musical aspect of the group & Mr. Kyle Lettman, far right who also lends a voice. Inspired by some of the greats of music, Michael Jackson, Jodeci, etc.; their musical abilities show that they really have been paying attention =)

Hottest thing out of the UK (to me, in general), seriously, && soon to be the hottest thing in the US. FDM is the first group in a whilee that I`ve been this excited about because they all have talent. I`m sooo tired of seeing these groups (guy or girl) where there`s four people, and only 2 of them actually contribute where as the other two might as well not exist (lol) not naming any names. Ooo and plus, they have soooo much swagg and personality. Jermaine & Varren`s twitter, alone, has me cracking up...not to mention their Kyte videos...(talk about, not breathing at all). They`re uber sweet...AND HAVE TALENT. LETS NOT FORGET TALENT =). Recently, they`ve been getting on the ball, about to release their single"Future In You" which is currently on their myspace page (all links will be available at the end) and have been finalizing deals with Compound, Ne-Yo`s label. In `08, Jermaine released a mixtape called "Goodbye Krypton", and I cannot get enough of it. Not only is it equipped with infectious beats, some new and some remixed (Swing Ya Rag - T.I ft. Swizz Beats, Addiction - Ryan Leslie ft. Cassie & Fabolous & Sexual Seduction - Snoop Dogg), his voice is amazing, if I do say so myself. The harmonies, omggg. The whole `tape is centered around his moniker, Superman and the songs are focused on that too. (FYI, my favorite song is Identity♥) I`m uber sad that it`s only seven songs (plus a hidden surprise) but its totally every penny it should`ve been worth. Yeah, it is free. No need to feel guilty. FDM, also have several songs out in cyberspace and if I were you, I`d check them out. Actually, some of their songs are on my playlist ---->, right here on my blog =) I`m very much so in love with them, and want them to be as big as themselves, me, and all their fans know they have the talent to be.

Take a trip to their MySpace to listen to "Future In You"; to view their Twitter page, & to watch FDM Kyte videos

www.myspace.com/fdmonline

www.twitter.com/FDMonline

www.kyte.tv/ch/195882-fdm
to, add them individually on the `Space;

Jermaine - www.myspace.com/therealmrriley

Varren - www.myspace.com/theofficialbabyv

Kyle - www.myspace.com/stormrryder
to follow them separately on Twitter;
Jermaine - www.twitter.com/TheRealMrRiley

Varren - www.twitter.com/VarrenofFDMuk

Kyle - www.twitter.com/KyleLettman
andd, to download & listen to Jermaine`s mixtape, "Goodbye Krypton"
http://www.zshare.net/download/502806459837d385/

And that`s all I have to say about that.

sooo, blogging...

I've been meaning to start one of these for a longg time...And now just seems like the right time, because I have a lot to say. Personally, it wouldn't matter if I only had four readers and a Twix. I just need somewhere to place my thoughts, like an e-diary.

This blog will be my peace of mind, and I'm glad that whoever is reading this is embarking on this journey with me, ey?

Some things about myself. You might need to pull up a dictionary to keep up with my vernacular. I'm partially studying for the SAT and, I need all the practice I can get. Elucidate - v. to explain, make clear <-- I do that alot, too. I love picking up new words, for some reason, from other neighborhoods, states and making them a part of my individuality. Um, graphic designing is my passion, so maybe as I create, I`ll post here. My e-diary slash e-portfolio. =) And, I`ll post random songs of the day. Hey what'dyaknow, a 3-in-1.

I hope this experiance is as fun for you as it is for me.