chapter one.
It’s been five days since he’s been gone, and I find myself reverting back into who I used to be without him. Only problem is, I don’t like who I am without him. When he’s around, I feel invincible no matter what the truth is. He’s not here, and I understand that I’m vulnerable. He’s told me not to worry about it and I shouldn’t but its hard not to. He told me, "Everytime you think about me, write me a letter. Keep writing, till every thought you have about me is on the paper in front of you & then seal it in an envelope. I’ll read them when I get back, all of them, I promise..." and kissed my forehead. I’m on the seventh letter. I’m just here, alone, pensive, but we both knew one day this would happen. He’d blow up, get global, go off on tour where every girl loves him & screams for him, at him and the other guys, while I’m holding him down here, losing my mind and the little bit of patience I have left day after day. Out of the millions of people loving him now, all their love will never compare to just one day of mine, he said. Watching him on concert has brought me closer into reality, so I’m starting to disagree. I’d like to think he believes what he says. I know if he didn’t, we’d both be in the same problem instead of just me. I like to think he understands what’s happening right now, that it`s not just my parents that think we shouldn’t be as close as we are, now the whole world agrees. I sit in my room while Chelsea goes out and represents for the both of us, and listen to music hoping that his voice doesn’t come up on my iPod’s shuffle. It would only send me into a fit of unwanted tears. I’m tired of crying. Twin says, "Cheer the fuck up...he’ll be back and then you guys can be again." I tell Chels that it’s not gonna be simple like that anymore. She gets asked the same questions by our friends everyday, “Is Bee okay?”, “How’s she holding up?”, or my personal favorite, “Still haven’t came out of her room yet?” It’s not that easy to bounce back from feelings like these. We talk almost every day, he texts me, I text back, he IMs me, I hit back, he calls me & we talk until his voice lulls me into sleep I haven’t been getting. Am I selfish, because it’s not enough?
chapter two.
I think it’d be best for me not to tell him how much I’ve been crying. Maybe, it’s not something he needs to know. Not something anyone needs to tell him while he tries to get in the zone for another concert, especially somebody that he cares about so much. When we’re on the phone, I sound happy about everything, but knowing him, he knows the truth. If he does, he never says anything. He can tell everything about me. Yesterday, he called me while I was in the middle of crying. I couldn’t not answer and worry him, so I just sniffled and answered the phone. First thing he said, after our “hello’s” and “how are you’s” was, “Stop crying….you sound congested.” I can look at him, and he knows how I feel & I don’t have to say it. Silent understanding. I can say one thing, and he knows that it means another. It’s maddening not having around the one person who knows you like you know yourself. My solace. Usually, at night he stays over with me at least until I go to sleep. I suffer from reoccurring nightmares. We talk absentmindedly, but if it gets too quiet for too long, I snuggle up to him with my head on his chest, and then I’m out like a light. I think that’s why he calls me at night, to give me some comfort. I don’t tell him that it usually never works, and sometimes I have to pretend that I’m sleepy just so he can hang up the phone with me and go to sleep himself. I don’t want him to be tired trying to please me. It wouldn’t be fair to do that, even if he is my best friend and wants to. Sleep is pretty much pointless for me without someone else’s body heat. My parents don’t approve of us being best friends at all, but ultimately this is my life. I’ve chosen to ignore them, not rebelling, but for their reasons against us. They say, “Why you always around that boy? What is it that he does for you that your sister, your dad and I can’t give?” and I always think to reply, he loves me & understands me on a level that nobody has been to but him. He’s not family, so his love is different from family love. But they don’t think we know what that type of love is…they also don’t feel there’s anything that drastic about me for him to be the only one who understands. Yeah, they’re also full of shit. When I get tired of not sleeping, Chelsea lets me sleep with her. It’s comforting, but sometimes I feel that I burden people with my problems. He says I should get out of that habit, because he’ll always be there to listen. Bad habits are hard to break. But I like to think I’ll always have somebody there to listen, and hold. I like to think he’ll come through for me, no matter how far away he gets. He says, “I ain’t let you down yet, right Bee?” and I smile at the tone of his voice, ‘cause we both know he won’t.
chapter three.
Right now, I’m sealing letter nine. I don’t think I can go on like this. My nightmares are getting gorier, more realistic, and that only happens when I’m keeping something from him. I don’t wanna confess to something I’m not sure of. Last night, he didn’t get to call me, but he text me before then. I didn’t feel like sleeping last night. I couldn’t sleep; my mind was so busy with memories. I like to think that he can’t sleep very well without me either, just so that I know he’s feeling the same. Today, my Mac Book Pro came in the mail and I’m excited. Now we can iChat. My mother sensed my happiness and immediately made it bitter sweet. “Brandy, I don’t understand why that boy is so important to you.” It’s becoming hard to bite my tongue. She continued. “He ate, slept and breathed you. Used to be over here at all times of the night comforting you. I think he’s just feeding your abundant, unhealthy need for attention.” Abundant, unhealthy need for attention? If you would’ve provided me with, I wouldn’t have had to get it elsewhere. So, since I found someone willing to fill a void in my life, you call it unhealthy? This woman needs therapy. See, this is why I don’t come out of my room. She continues to pick at a wound I’m trying to heal. “I think this time apart is good. Maybe you two’ll see how much you don’t need eachother.” Pushed the wrong button. I said, “That’s exactly why. You don’t try to understand. You jump to conclusions. I don’t have to worry about being analyzed around him, unless I want to. Or told what to do. Or ignored. Or brushed off. I don’t need you to do this right now, because I don’t want to have to heart your feelings” and with that, I took my laptop upstairs. I’m mad that people are not trying to understand how hard this is for us. All my life, the only people who truly have an understanding of me have been my twin and my best friend. Chelsea’s with her boyfriend most of the time, happy, and I don’t wanna fuck that up with my problems. It`s bad enough we share the same soul and brain, so whether she wants to or not, she’ll always feel a little bit of what I feel. I wish everybody would just accept that some friendships will never die. I’m tired of having to constantly prove ourselves. No alternative motives. People are constantly trying to bring us down. Maybe that’s why I haven’t completely gone crazy. We are not a lost cause. No matter how far away or how many nights I cry, it still won’t be enough to give up. Even if he can’t be with me at night. I can’t just quit on him, because I’d like to think he needs me. Now, more than ever, so close to his dreams. And I need him just as much…
chapter four.
two years later.
I still remember the way he smelled when I pushed my face into his chest, how he felt with his arms around me, and how much hurt I felt when he told me he found a girlfriend. I felt like I was pushed into this glass box, trapped. Like my heart had been cut off from blood. My lungs had been stripped from air. I still remember…It’d been a while since we talked, weeks and I was excited because I felt so much better about everything. That day, I read my letters and frowned at how clingy they sounded. So I burned them. All of them, while I danced to music and washed my clothes. Yes, I`d even come out of my room several times before that night. Everybody was gone, Chelsea was on a date, and my parents were too. Yes, I was even getting along with my family. In a span of two weeks, I’d went out six times, started exercising every morning, picked up my slack on the chores, started some early college courses and cut my bangs asymmetrical. There was something I didn’t want to admit to myself, but soon it’d become inevitable. He buzzed my iChat around eleven. I leaned over into the camera view, to accept and smiled the biggest he’d seen me smile in months. He smiled back, but started acting oddly while we were talking. A couple minutes, I found out why. Her name was Karlena. He met her in ATL while they were layin’ some tracks down, and she was around to give him the attention he needed as a man for a couple months. Told me how much he liked her, but something about it seemed so wrong. How could she get the one I thought God made for me? The rest of the conversation was a blur. He told me that he loved me, and I said it back. That was the first night of many that I questioned my feelings. Months turned into years, and this wedge formed between us. Especially when she revealed some of her true colors and he was too blind to see it. “You don’t even fuckin’ know her! How you know she’s cheatin’ on me?” “Read between the lines! She’s playing you…like a drum at band practice.” “What-the-fuck-ever, don’t wanna have this conversation no more.” So in love, that he was treating me like one of the evil children of Cinderella’s aunt. Fighting became frequent, monotonous. The second year rolled by, we weren’t even on speaking terms anymore because of something he said to me the last night we spoke; “I’ve been there for you all your life, you expect me to just be yours forever?” Tears stung my eyes. “Because that’s what you told me, you promised me that! It’s not like I imagined that shit happening. And me being a stupid, weak little girl, I believed you huh?” “Well, I was young and dumb back then. Besides, we’re best friends. You’re supposed to be happy for me!” So he thought him and I together was dumb now? “How am I supposed to be happy for you if I know you’re making a MISTAKE?” “MISTAKE, Karlena’s the best thing that ever happened to me, -” Chris used to call me that. “and I knew you was gonna do this, with your selfish ass. You just like all the others…” After he had the audacity to call me selfish, there was no reason for me to continue letting him take his frustration out on me trying to salvage our friendship. The inevitability of it was that he was too weak compared to fame. It went to his head, and he forgot all about the people who helped him get there. Change happened in both of us. He was full blown famous by then, on TV, the radio, on shirts, it would infuriate me and I’d just tune it all out. Even now it still hurts to think about, I lost my best friend and proved everyone right who doubted us. By then, Chelsea and I were just starting college in San Francisco, her with an intern job as a photographer and me with mine as a graphic designer. We moved into our dorm, I had one thing to say as I just got a new number and made a new iChat account. Fuck him and his bitch.
