....wow.

hey boy, yeah you;
I hope you`re not here to harm me
see sometimes, you`re charming
sometimes, you`re alarming...
made to disarm me, but I can`t let you.

not letting you get next to me is hard; you try, and effort counts in my book.
not reprimanding myself for trusting you is hard; known alot of people like you...with hidden motives.
not ignoring you when you call me is hard; one night, alone it was like 6 times...=/.
not forcing you away from picking my brain is hard, it`s a dark and scary place in there & I`m not too sure you`re ready.
not blaming you for the circumstance you`ve put me is hard; it`s your fault.
not rolling my eyes when you lie to me is hard; you tell little white lies that irk the hell out of me. not hanging up when you say my name too many times is hard; annoying...stop it.
not fleeing when you say "I love you," is hard; because it never feels completely platonic when you say it.

so i let you...probably shouldn`t but, yeah.

I'm so tired of feeling that I don't deserve some one special. I do, 17 years too late I realize that I do deserved to feel cared about and loved. Why am I still single? Besides the fact that I may not be a supermodel, because people I know - and I'm not saying this to be mean in any way - are not that damn attractive eiether and they still have something that I don't. Love. Not friend love, of that I have enough. Not family love. I have just what I need of that. But something different and stronger than all of that combined. Everytime I call myself liking someone in that different way I ALWAYS get hurt. They don't feel the same. They don't feel anything at all. They do feel the same, but for somebody else. There's this guy at school, and I swear he likes me. It's the little things. But he's shorter than me, and it frustrates me that I don't give everyone a chance. It frustrates me that I'm shallow...not much, but enough to make me feel like I'll never find the the type of guy I'm looking for. Never find one that's interested in me. My bestfriend Kyrea says that I'm too awesome to be with someone right now. I hope not that much, because I want a guy that I can call my own & that will accept me for who I am. And not hurt me. Or make me cry. Spent 7 years crying, and I refuse to shed another tear over another boy that could give a less fuck about me. This one guy has been being really nice to me...but I keep my guard up. I spend nights just sitting up asking myself what could he possibly want from me? I don't trust people with my heart that don't earn it. I hate being this way, but it's how I keep myself from getting hurt. That's how I make sure the people in my circle are in it for the long run. I'm tired of feeling alone, no matter how many people love me. This other guy, I have a horrible crush on him. Just thinking about him right now sends my imagination on a journey. But we're so incompatible from my point of view. He's all I want and I'm all he doesn't. When he's around, my vocal cords completely stop working. But he doesn't like me, nor does he known I exist so it's stupid to let my delusions of grandure continue, right? Try telling my brain that. I'm so confused and it's killing me to not know which way I wanna go on all those situations. I'll take my own advice; let it play out and just hope for the best...

FEAR.

fear. 09.08.09

"And I be gettin' high, just to balance out my lows..." He let his muscles relax and slowly blew streams of smoke. Sat back in his room, eyes darting around at everything before closing and momentarily taking him to another place. Far away from where he was. His problems. His insecurities. His fears. Somewhere he felt safe, by himself, with his thoughts. Inhaled some more, letting his joint burn and cloud the bedroom with peace. With his escape. His mother doesn't like when he lights up in her house, but lately she's grown to expect it. Anything to keep him from moping, from breaking things, even if only for a little while. Intoxicated, he thought about his girlfriend. Her words, "You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can't push me away. I'll be here always to help you..." Never felt he needed her help. Too proud, is what his mother would say, just like your father...afraid. He knows his girlfriend doesn't believe when he says he's alright. Apprieciates her for that. The only one in a long time that can read him like a book. She's not what he's afraid of. Pushes her away sometimes, but losing her is one constant fear on his mind. Where exactly would he be without her? He frowns at the thought. Couldn't be much worse, not possible, he thinks. He takes another pull. "She's the only one that cares," he says out loud, but no one is there to hear him but himself. Paranoia from the past laced around his fears...She hasn't given him a reason to be wary of her. Another fear, lonliness. The mere thought of him being by himself kills his buzz but after a couple more drags, the calm ensues. Memories flood back, some good, some bad of his past best friend and his ex. How they ran off together, how she died before he could get some closure. Never told her how she hurt him. Bad feelings rose in his throat, took the form of bile. Inhale. A reason not to trust anyone, no matter how things seem at first. Fear. Enough to make him crave a higher calm. Took more of the smoke into his lungs. Exhale. His door opens and for a minute, he thinks he's dreaming. Until she smiles and says his name. His girlfriend comes in, closes the door and locks it. He watches as she climbs up his bed, over him and kisses him. Another high. Enough to make the hairs on the back of his neck stand. He knows what he feels for her is deeper than he felt for anyone. Can tell by that rush of her presence. But he refuses to call it what it is. Love. His ultimate fear. Amazing how you want something you've been taught to fear. And hate. And avoid. He kisses her again, cutting off his train of thought while putting his joint in an ashtray on his endtable. With passion. Passion that makes both pairs of hands wander. Passion that makes their clothes slowly melt away. He feels the temperature slightly increase in his room at the sight of her naked body. He praises flesh. Makes her moan, holds her face while she shudders and his fingers slide into her. Thumb strumming her clit, making her sing a familiar tune. Not their first time, but more physically connected. Brings her close to ecstacy with his fingers. In and out, he watches her body slowly become erratic, erotic, watches her back arch before stopping. She smiles, pecking his lips as he pulls away. She likes the tease. He rolls over, and watches as she straddles his hips, braces herself by grabbing his hands and slides down on him. He groans as he enters her. She moans softly, letting her head fall, her hair tickling her back. Feeling her warmth and her heat always takes him higher than the weed, than anything. Even music. His eyes slowly close, and still he sees her behind his eyelids. He welcomes her in any form, gripping her ass as she began to go faster. Listened to her breathing go from slightly controlled to shallow and irregular. His is that way, too. Grabs her hips, groans throatilly at their rotation and raises his hips, sliding in further, desperate to go deeper. Eager to please her. Felt her nails dig into his arms, watched her make the most beautiful frown he'd ever seen. Held her face gently, moaning as her thick thighs trembled. He drowned in her love, smudging away tears that rolled down her timeless features as she was immersed herself in a drug-enduced orgasm. Strong, persistant, unrelenting. She never cried before. It scared him, the intensity, but it excited him to watch her experiance the sweetest convulsions known to man. She didn't stop, egging him to the edge of their world and sending him on a trip further than any high would ever take him. Made him grip his own sheets, spill his liquid love as she slowed down her movements. Kissed on him as he slowly descended. He opened his eyes, smiled as she glowed. He loved making her do that. Sat up and put his hands on her hips, nonverbally telling her to stay as is. She kissed him, speaking the truth against his lips. His hand wandered between her legs, rubbing her clit with his thumb, making her shudder and softly speak, "I love you." A fear that constantly held him back from life, and even himself. He replied, "I love you too." Despite the pleasure he was giving her, her eyes widened and stared into his. Put his finger to her lips, to which she responded by sucking on. He bit his bottom lip. "I do. And we'll work out all my problems & shit. But please, don't be scared of me..." By the way she kissed him, he knew love wasn't anything he needed to be afraid of.

---

cried writing this. loosely based from the song Fear, by Drake.

go shawty;

IT`S MY BIRTHDAY!

the greatest romance ever sold.

chapter one.

It’s been five days since he’s been gone, and I find myself reverting back into who I used to be without him. Only problem is, I don’t like who I am without him. When he’s around, I feel invincible no matter what the truth is. He’s not here, and I understand that I’m vulnerable. He’s told me not to worry about it and I shouldn’t but its hard not to. He told me, "Everytime you think about me, write me a letter. Keep writing, till every thought you have about me is on the paper in front of you & then seal it in an envelope. I’ll read them when I get back, all of them, I promise..." and kissed my forehead. I’m on the seventh letter. I’m just here, alone, pensive, but we both knew one day this would happen. He’d blow up, get global, go off on tour where every girl loves him & screams for him, at him and the other guys, while I’m holding him down here, losing my mind and the little bit of patience I have left day after day. Out of the millions of people loving him now, all their love will never compare to just one day of mine, he said. Watching him on concert has brought me closer into reality, so I’m starting to disagree. I’d like to think he believes what he says. I know if he didn’t, we’d both be in the same problem instead of just me. I like to think he understands what’s happening right now, that it`s not just my parents that think we shouldn’t be as close as we are, now the whole world agrees. I sit in my room while Chelsea goes out and represents for the both of us, and listen to music hoping that his voice doesn’t come up on my iPod’s shuffle. It would only send me into a fit of unwanted tears. I’m tired of crying. Twin says, "Cheer the fuck up...he’ll be back and then you guys can be again." I tell Chels that it’s not gonna be simple like that anymore. She gets asked the same questions by our friends everyday, “Is Bee okay?”, “How’s she holding up?”, or my personal favorite, “Still haven’t came out of her room yet?” It’s not that easy to bounce back from feelings like these. We talk almost every day, he texts me, I text back, he IMs me, I hit back, he calls me & we talk until his voice lulls me into sleep I haven’t been getting. Am I selfish, because it’s not enough?

chapter two.

I think it’d be best for me not to tell him how much I’ve been crying. Maybe, it’s not something he needs to know. Not something anyone needs to tell him while he tries to get in the zone for another concert, especially somebody that he cares about so much. When we’re on the phone, I sound happy about everything, but knowing him, he knows the truth. If he does, he never says anything. He can tell everything about me. Yesterday, he called me while I was in the middle of crying. I couldn’t not answer and worry him, so I just sniffled and answered the phone. First thing he said, after our “hello’s” and “how are you’s” was, “Stop crying….you sound congested.” I can look at him, and he knows how I feel & I don’t have to say it. Silent understanding. I can say one thing, and he knows that it means another. It’s maddening not having around the one person who knows you like you know yourself. My solace. Usually, at night he stays over with me at least until I go to sleep. I suffer from reoccurring nightmares. We talk absentmindedly, but if it gets too quiet for too long, I snuggle up to him with my head on his chest, and then I’m out like a light. I think that’s why he calls me at night, to give me some comfort. I don’t tell him that it usually never works, and sometimes I have to pretend that I’m sleepy just so he can hang up the phone with me and go to sleep himself. I don’t want him to be tired trying to please me. It wouldn’t be fair to do that, even if he is my best friend and wants to. Sleep is pretty much pointless for me without someone else’s body heat. My parents don’t approve of us being best friends at all, but ultimately this is my life. I’ve chosen to ignore them, not rebelling, but for their reasons against us. They say, “Why you always around that boy? What is it that he does for you that your sister, your dad and I can’t give?” and I always think to reply, he loves me & understands me on a level that nobody has been to but him. He’s not family, so his love is different from family love. But they don’t think we know what that type of love is…they also don’t feel there’s anything that drastic about me for him to be the only one who understands. Yeah, they’re also full of shit. When I get tired of not sleeping, Chelsea lets me sleep with her. It’s comforting, but sometimes I feel that I burden people with my problems. He says I should get out of that habit, because he’ll always be there to listen. Bad habits are hard to break. But I like to think I’ll always have somebody there to listen, and hold. I like to think he’ll come through for me, no matter how far away he gets. He says, “I ain’t let you down yet, right Bee?” and I smile at the tone of his voice, ‘cause we both know he won’t.

chapter three.

Right now, I’m sealing letter nine. I don’t think I can go on like this. My nightmares are getting gorier, more realistic, and that only happens when I’m keeping something from him. I don’t wanna confess to something I’m not sure of. Last night, he didn’t get to call me, but he text me before then. I didn’t feel like sleeping last night. I couldn’t sleep; my mind was so busy with memories. I like to think that he can’t sleep very well without me either, just so that I know he’s feeling the same. Today, my Mac Book Pro came in the mail and I’m excited. Now we can iChat. My mother sensed my happiness and immediately made it bitter sweet. “Brandy, I don’t understand why that boy is so important to you.” It’s becoming hard to bite my tongue. She continued. “He ate, slept and breathed you. Used to be over here at all times of the night comforting you. I think he’s just feeding your abundant, unhealthy need for attention.” Abundant, unhealthy need for attention? If you would’ve provided me with, I wouldn’t have had to get it elsewhere. So, since I found someone willing to fill a void in my life, you call it unhealthy? This woman needs therapy. See, this is why I don’t come out of my room. She continues to pick at a wound I’m trying to heal. “I think this time apart is good. Maybe you two’ll see how much you don’t need eachother.” Pushed the wrong button. I said, “That’s exactly why. You don’t try to understand. You jump to conclusions. I don’t have to worry about being analyzed around him, unless I want to. Or told what to do. Or ignored. Or brushed off. I don’t need you to do this right now, because I don’t want to have to heart your feelings” and with that, I took my laptop upstairs. I’m mad that people are not trying to understand how hard this is for us. All my life, the only people who truly have an understanding of me have been my twin and my best friend. Chelsea’s with her boyfriend most of the time, happy, and I don’t wanna fuck that up with my problems. It`s bad enough we share the same soul and brain, so whether she wants to or not, she’ll always feel a little bit of what I feel. I wish everybody would just accept that some friendships will never die. I’m tired of having to constantly prove ourselves. No alternative motives. People are constantly trying to bring us down. Maybe that’s why I haven’t completely gone crazy. We are not a lost cause. No matter how far away or how many nights I cry, it still won’t be enough to give up. Even if he can’t be with me at night. I can’t just quit on him, because I’d like to think he needs me. Now, more than ever, so close to his dreams. And I need him just as much…

chapter four.

two years later.

I still remember the way he smelled when I pushed my face into his chest, how he felt with his arms around me, and how much hurt I felt when he told me he found a girlfriend. I felt like I was pushed into this glass box, trapped. Like my heart had been cut off from blood. My lungs had been stripped from air. I still remember…It’d been a while since we talked, weeks and I was excited because I felt so much better about everything. That day, I read my letters and frowned at how clingy they sounded. So I burned them. All of them, while I danced to music and washed my clothes. Yes, I`d even come out of my room several times before that night. Everybody was gone, Chelsea was on a date, and my parents were too. Yes, I was even getting along with my family. In a span of two weeks, I’d went out six times, started exercising every morning, picked up my slack on the chores, started some early college courses and cut my bangs asymmetrical. There was something I didn’t want to admit to myself, but soon it’d become inevitable. He buzzed my iChat around eleven. I leaned over into the camera view, to accept and smiled the biggest he’d seen me smile in months. He smiled back, but started acting oddly while we were talking. A couple minutes, I found out why. Her name was Karlena. He met her in ATL while they were layin’ some tracks down, and she was around to give him the attention he needed as a man for a couple months. Told me how much he liked her, but something about it seemed so wrong. How could she get the one I thought God made for me? The rest of the conversation was a blur. He told me that he loved me, and I said it back. That was the first night of many that I questioned my feelings. Months turned into years, and this wedge formed between us. Especially when she revealed some of her true colors and he was too blind to see it. “You don’t even fuckin’ know her! How you know she’s cheatin’ on me?” “Read between the lines! She’s playing you…like a drum at band practice.” “What-the-fuck-ever, don’t wanna have this conversation no more.” So in love, that he was treating me like one of the evil children of Cinderella’s aunt. Fighting became frequent, monotonous. The second year rolled by, we weren’t even on speaking terms anymore because of something he said to me the last night we spoke; “I’ve been there for you all your life, you expect me to just be yours forever?” Tears stung my eyes. “Because that’s what you told me, you promised me that! It’s not like I imagined that shit happening. And me being a stupid, weak little girl, I believed you huh?” “Well, I was young and dumb back then. Besides, we’re best friends. You’re supposed to be happy for me!” So he thought him and I together was dumb now? “How am I supposed to be happy for you if I know you’re making a MISTAKE?” “MISTAKE, Karlena’s the best thing that ever happened to me, -” Chris used to call me that. “and I knew you was gonna do this, with your selfish ass. You just like all the others…” After he had the audacity to call me selfish, there was no reason for me to continue letting him take his frustration out on me trying to salvage our friendship. The inevitability of it was that he was too weak compared to fame. It went to his head, and he forgot all about the people who helped him get there. Change happened in both of us. He was full blown famous by then, on TV, the radio, on shirts, it would infuriate me and I’d just tune it all out. Even now it still hurts to think about, I lost my best friend and proved everyone right who doubted us. By then, Chelsea and I were just starting college in San Francisco, her with an intern job as a photographer and me with mine as a graphic designer. We moved into our dorm, I had one thing to say as I just got a new number and made a new iChat account. Fuck him and his bitch.

When I get back, I`m posting chapters one through four of the story I started on here.

it`s called, "The Greatest Romance Ever Sold."

[ finally figured out a title, lol. ]

so, I`m into percussion...

because, like I said, I march to my own drum. excuse me while I get my fresh, haha.

a life in the day.

my eye looks pretty effin` gorgeous.

Sally Hansen goes, that is all.

love.

me thinkin` I`m cute, lol.

random wishes.

not my mouth or ears, no. but they will be in about two years. I think i`ll get all four I want at once. so that`s my tongue, industrials in both of my ears and I want a vch piercing. look that one up, lol. don`t want to put a visual of it on my blog, lol. kinda porn-ish, but shit, if I want it still in two more years, it shall be mine haha.

and yes, I know people have opinions about others with tongue rings and other body piercings, but frankly I`ve grown up not to give a fuck. I march to beat of my own drum. personally, I think its just another medium of self expression.

If i still have this blog, I`ll totally video document it.

I`m so excited =)

what im thinking right now //

numero uno; things I have to say before the eighteenth of august.

by way of mouth, words, text messages, or this here blog;

Words cannot express how proud I am of you right now. I may not have been there to watch the full transition from kid to collegiate, but what I have seen is enough. Tomorrow, you will be leaving on your way to a totally new chapter in your life. You`re the bestest bestfriend I`ve never had. I remember the summer before last, what an emotional wreck we deemed eachother; what we wanted to fix, things we wanted to change, go way and get better. How we continuously used our phones to share our lives. How unseparable we were, the bond we were forming. Years have passed, and that bond has only gotten stronger. I can feel you, even if you`re 690+ miles away. I feel that you`re scared shitless, excited, regretful to leave the nest but happy that you`ve made it through highschool. We`ve managed to escape all the bullshit, all the tears, most of the hurt, the aggravation from the past and overcome so much. And become the people that we`re supposed to be. I`m more happy for you than you think. You were always the more emotionally expressive twin. I`m writing this here because if I say it to you, to anyone, I`ll cry...harder than you are probably right now. Everyone that I`ve told about you, that you`re leaving off to college soon, that you`re my best friend, they say, "Oh, well...I don`t think you guys will be as close anymore, she`ll have other things to do." I get so mad and then I have to remember that they don`t know what we`ve already been through. Even you sometimes doubt our bond`s longevity, but I`m gonna always be here to listen. A few more miles and more responsibilties will not change that. I just hope you don`t grow up too much and find me completely immature. Funny thought, right? I hope it won`t happen, I have a feeling it won`t, even if I have to chant something every Sunday along with my "I will have a good week this week" mantra to help that along. Bring more positivity with positivity. It`s just a fear that pops up in the back of my head. Anyway, back to where I was going with this. I`m just writing to clear my head of all I`ve been thinking this summer about this change. I don`t usually like changes. The fact that I may not be able to talk to you as much, or our schedules won`t mesh very well, or you might not have a laptop as soon as you`d like is something we`ll just have to deal with because I`m in it for the long run =D Not letting this go, not without a fight. I`m excited - no excuse me, I`m very excited for you. And I`m sorry I don`t ever sound like it when we talk about it on the phone. It`s just all of these thoughts reeling around in my head at once and it gets hard to focus on just being happy / excited when there`s so much else inside. Don`t get sad about some of these feelings, because I`ll get over it once I hear how happy you are. Because that`s what a best friend does for a best friend. Support eachother. You`ve held your end of the bargain, but we`re not done yet. I love you, and I`m proud of you, Chelsea. HOT DAMN YOU`RE A COLLEGE STUDENT [ pumps fist ]!

------

numero dos; this could be something, the sequel.

that was written for a reason, oh yes oh yes;

I mean, it`s not serious or anything, but - you still cross my mind sometimes. I don`t regret. Just goin` through those "what if`s". I`m sure you understand. Better yet, I know you understand. Met under the wrong circumstances. Usually, I`m r&b, hip hop with a dash of punk rock. But with you, I could`ve been soft jazz, maybe even your acoustic guitar. At this moment, by myself, with my thoughts, I`m neo-soul. Maybe, maybe, maybe...maybe if you were this, maybe if I were that. Maybe if you were available, maybe if my morals weren`t so strong. I`m not the type of person who dwells on the end, but this was something different. It could`ve been completely something else but God didn`t want that so he didn`t do so. I`ve learned not to question him. Truly, you are unlike anyone I`ve ever met. With or without those feelings I`ve tossed aside. Like snowstorms in Africa, or hurricanes in China. Different, unbelievable, beautiful, possibly distructive... Never met anyone that had so strong of a hold on my interest. You kept me guessing, I love meeting people that can do that because not very many can. You give me hope, maybe there is someone with a soul as beautiful as yours out there for me. What I`ve accepted is that you`re not the one to fill that void I silently search for with my heart. I can honestly say I`m saddened by that, but we live and we learn. We live and we grow. With this experience, I take it and I use it to continue to grow into that person im destined to be. All I can say, and the last thing I will say about us, you, me and this is thankyou.

------

P.S. - i think this blog is helping me better express myself. and P.P.S. my thoughts are very long winded, hence how long this is, lol.

music that evokes emotion out of me.

You know how when you listen to a song, and it gives you those "damn, i understand this" goosebumps? And you know exactly how it feels just by the way they sing it? These songs do that to me, everytime. It never fails...

Still In Love, Beyoncé.

" you're my husband, you are my doctor, counselor, provider, professor, my everything...and I love you I love you I love you, yes I love you I, I need you I need you I need you, I cant live without you, I trust you I trust you with every ounce of me, just teach me, boy teach me - just take me, when we make love I can feel all your spirit deep inside of me, baby you`re so pure. I`m kissing you, forever and ever and ever, I love kissing you, kissing you, kissing you and I love everything about you, it`s been soo many years since we fell in love... "

Old Lovas, Dwele.

" I'm hoping that this is not a dream cause that would mean, one of us would have to leave ... depending on who is the dreamer and who's the dreammee. regardless we both are here, so let's find love 'till our golden years. 'till the Heavens close & our eyes open ... I hope I aint dreamin`, and I hope that we can, till we're - old lovas, young at heart, puppy lovers, big ol` kids - both of us, co-exist, hand in hand, we will be ripe old lovas. "

It Would Be You, Trey Songz.

" you are my love, and my love for you girl is all that I need if I had nothing more, than our love, our love, I`d be just fine with our love. your shoes can`t be filled, they cannot wear your heels, my truth is in you - there is nothing as real, as our love - I`ll be just fine as long as you`re by my side, woman if you ever took your love away, then I could truely say I`d die right here today. don`t give me the world, I just want my girl - if I could have anything, I put that on everything ... that it would be you you you you, I just want you you you. "

public service announcement.

I`m gonna start off with things I tweeted yesterday after I woke up.

damn, lmao. last night / this mornin was funnnnn. man im doin the most this summer haha =D staying on the phone from 9 PM till 6 AM with the wife, laughin` about dumb shit. oh and we ( me & Alexis ) are starting a graphic production. cause bitches don`t be graphic makin`, they be graph-fakin.

Graph-fakin. A word that I came up with in less than 5 seconds. I`ve only been a "graphic designer" for like three, going-on-four years in October but damn. I know enough to know the unspoken rules of being such. For the past year, or so, people`ve been hyping some lame ass, half done ass graphics and frankly I`m starting to get offended. Rule number one, when you make graphics, don`t leave any stone unturned. That means you need to check, check, and double check your shit. Make sure you`ve blended every texture, that the font goes well with the overall theme and that it`s readable / easy on the eyes, layer settings are right, colors or lack thereof are poppin, that things are angled the way you want, placed where you want & everything is one hundred because after its all said & done....that graphic represents you. Your visions, your art, your talent, your creativity. So if you half ass a graphic, - especially if it`s for somebody else - that`s a bad look (rule number two, what you create represents you. even moreso if you`re making it for someone else`s use, so take pride in it and aim for perfect execution). Luckily, I`ve had plenty to turn to if I got stuck with something. Wifey was actually my graphic mentor & if it wasn`t for her inspiring me, I would never be as dope as she says I am. So, kissesssss ;-) haha. With some people, they have all the drive in the world, take the initiative in the business aspects of their craft, but don`t bring it that hard with the product. What`s the point, then? The night I mentioned in my tweets, me and L got one someone`s helmet about overthinking (rule number four, no overthinking-) a concept (and fucking it up completely because it`s too complicated &). Babe, overthinking just makes it commit suicide. Just like underthinking (rule number four cont., no underthinking-) it (because that will make people have to ask what the hell its supposed to be). And half assing (rule number three, no half assing) it.

And rule number fckin` five, respectively, do not let personal relationships or shadows of personal relationships or signs of a personal relationship blossoming hinder your business relationship.

To further break that down;

DO NOT LET STUPID ASS DREAMS OF BEING FRIENDS / THE HISTORY OF ONCE BEING A FRIEND / THE POSSIBILITY OF BECOMING A FRIEND WITH YOUR CLIENT SUPERCEDE THE FACT THAT YOU STILL HAVE MADE AN OBLIGATION TO MAKE THEIR GRAPHICS, THATS IT. If they want a friend in you, they`ll come to you. Being over-sensitive & clingy makes them regret even having you in their promotion team. Keep it all corporal and not hoe-motional.

Okay, let`s run it back.

#1 - Don`t leave any stone unturned, check your work.

#2 - What you create represents you, especially if you`re making it for someone else`s use, so don`t fuck up.

#3 - No half assing is allowed. You don`t feel like it, don`t do it. All ass plus extra, or no ass at all.

#4 - No over / underthinking. It just fucks shit up, either way.

#5 - Personal relationship or not, focus on strengthening the business relationship.

Have a nice day.

my potential second wife =D [ pause lmao ].

LaShontae Heckard.

that is all.

P.S, I just used pause cause Marcel did in one of his tweets and boy was that shit funny. Lawd, lol...

el libras <3

Eric Jerome Dickey edition.

I love him, and don`t get it twisted.

That last book, Resurrecting Midnight is the fourth in his "Gideon" series and releases on the 24th of this month.

Guess who`s goin` to cop it.

graphical spotlight.

http://i352.photobucket.com/albums/r335/lovebombb/eightbeyonceicons.png

[ giggles ]

click for full size.

im in lust with my own designs.

People To Watch Out For; Numero Uno.

Electric Brandon ;

ill.

Producer, knows his way around HTML / Photoshop & just started in photography. An all-around-artist with a nice taste in music, lol.

He made this beat ^_^.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/612507028d8b1c01/

http://www.flickr.com/electricbrandon

http://behind-the-arts.blogspot.com/

http://myspace.com/electricbrandon

@ELECTRICBRANDON on Twitter.

So, look out for this guy.

overdose on scent.

I am in love with these two bottles of lotion. So much, that this is an ode.

Ode to Peony Body Lotion & Nectarine x Raspberry Hand & Body Lotion.

Congratulations, it's crack.

Random sidebar.

For some reason, I always felt that the lotion you wear should compliment the soap / bodyspray you use. I.E, you use Pear Glacé body wash, then you use the same, or a pear & another scented lotion / spray if not the same. So recently, I started using Dove Nectarine & White Ginger body wash, and it's sex. Literally. Walking around town, makin' dudes think I'm carrying fruit.

Oh, Random Sidebar #2

I`m addicted to smelling good, especially citrus scents.

Think that's because I live in the Orange State. Here`s some of what I've used, would like to use, or use now. Victoria's Secret Halo x Very Sexy x mostly all of the bodysprays / Bath & Body Works - Midnight Pomegrantate x Pink Grapefruit x Tropical Passionfruit x Country Apple x Sensual Amber x Cool Waters / Paris Hilton (Her first scent was sex & I'm feining for some more of that) / Marc Jacobs / Sweet 16 / Lacoste "Dream of Pink"...Yeah, I think that's it, but you know, there's nothing like good `ol Herbal Oil, Cocoa Butter, or Johnson & Johnson.

Ode to them as well.

That is all =D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

To Alexis, Jermaine & Jenae.

These cakes are for you guys, appropriately lol.

currently ;

waiting for my best friend Derrick to call me back.
hmm, we've been bffs for like four years and I trust him with my everything. plus that nigga is funny lmaoo. so, this blog is dedicated to you, buddy =D

ily, <3bee.

emotional clarity.

You never realize how much you hold inside until it's all fighting to be let go. When you feel like you're on your last leg of sanity. Something has to give, right? Your brain stem taps in and braces you for the mental cleansing. In the past couple months, everything I've felt has built up to this point of freedom. I already am a "stress internalizer", so frankly this was not something I needed. It started off as just being overtly too happy, then excited, and as I overthought my excitement, my imagination went wild. Anybody that knows me on a personal level, knows that I only need a little inch of freetime and one statement to take into as many different contexts as possible and develop this whole living organism of thoughts. That keep me up at night, entertain me even when it's not the right time to. I mean, I enjoy it when it's not severe. I let it grow, with no restraints and found myself in a horrible place filled with anxiety, doubt, frustration and over-analyzation. A place that I have no control of, a place that lives in all of us as human beings, no matter how "emotionally stable" you think you are. Needless to say, I needed to get out of there fast because as a person that feeds off positive energy and even recycles my own, I was being starved. There was an extent to how happy I could be. The last two posts were proof of that. True happiness has no limitations. I think what finally pulled me out of that slump was having somebody say they were feeling the same way I was that didn't really know me that well to have just been saying it to make me happy. Empathy. People forget how small things like that can make alot of difference. It's the littlest things that take me there, like Lily Allen said. For me, it's always a person I wouldn't expect to make me feel better. Something really cool happened, a while ago too and aside for the giggle and occasional, "Oh my life, that was funn..." I'm not even over-thinking it. Some things need that much attention, and ones that make you happy usually don't. Just go with the flow...=D

there really isn`t a point to this one...

I`m very frustrated right now. A small part of me feels like I fuck up everything for myself. It`s enough to make me feel that way in almost every situation I`m in. Maybe I place too much of my mind into one thing, and as many times as I do that I never seem to get the same amount of whatever I was looking for back. Won`t go into detail as to what I`m talking about, because frankly I`m getting a bit tired of it being the only thing on my mind all the time. Giving one person/object/thought so much attention, when I shouldn`t. When it`s nothing, really. Spending too much energy trying to analyze things, people, and just forget to go with the flow. And not only do I use up energy, I usually get fucked over at the end and have to pick myself up off the floor. I mean, I can`t help it because its in my nature. But I`m tired of always fucking things up by overthinking every little sentence, or dream, or whatever. Letting it control my emotions. So right now, I say fuck it.

I`m gonna go with the flow again.

P.S. i just read this over, and I didn`t mean to say the word fuck like, [ counts ] 5 times, including in this sentence. I didn`t mean for it to come off like I was mad. But then again, frustration and anger run pretty close to eachother. Frustration has more thinking involved, when anger is just a feeling that stems from emotional/mental/physical pain or displeasure.

a poem.

Haven`t written one of these in a minute. Felt the inspiration, & turned my feelings into art.

Hope you enjoy.

effortless/ pointless.

why exactly is this so effortless?

never had a problem with the opposed persuasion,

may have dipped my fingers into the jar too many times

and pulled out nubs, but again I digress

this peculiar feeling that manifests in my mind, heart, and in my fingers

tips tingle, mouth curves around the edges, thoughts linger

in the back of my mind, "yes it`s frowned upon," but still I`m eager

to fall into a realm that has never been so easy to see.

has me even questioning who I am, my identity

is this really I, a me that is confident & daring

outspoken, lively, caring, or is it a figment of our dream

our, you`re not the only one that questions what they see.

people notice this change in her demeanor

but she cant really say its for good, if she knows what it means or

things just cant be trusted for what they seem.

part of me, feels that I could`ve somehow met you in a past life

part of me, thinks that im looking too hard at you in this last light

part of me, seems as though its frightened of what could be, I

could cause a catastrophe, won't know if I don`t relish this vast flight

then let`s commence this cliff diving...

late nights, turn into early mornings

but yet I cant seem to let my mind rest

I`m tossing turned,

then I`m cold heat,

eyes close opened,

and still I`m thinking of your caress

effortless is it to close my eyes, thinking of you,

to sleep, is pointless

effortless is it for those three words to spill from my lips

meaning them because I feel them, is poinless.

effortless is it to give you things I don`t even give myself

to give to others, is pointless.

effortless is it for me to try to deny how tight I`ve connected us

but to let go, will eventually be effortless.

for now, I`ll stay partial to pointlessness.

back in mobile/late nite action =)

Yes, meet SWEETSprinkles.

[ to go along with my whole Bakery / Cupcake themed-life-lol ]

She`s delighted to meet you.
She will also be the helper of my late night blogs, because yes, blogger works on Safari, so I`m excited.

=)

oh, bittersweet Orlando.

Yeah, I said it...bittersweet. I know its been a long time coming, but i haven`t had the time to devote to telling this long, horrible nightmare-turned-reality.

On Friday, July third, almost 11 o`clock, my mama comes walking out of her room.

"You wanna go to Orlando for the weekend?"

I raise a brow.
"Orlando?! How`d this come up?"

So she begins to tell me how my auntie Teresa (my mom`s little brother`s wife) needed somebdoy to drive her, and my two little cousins Tamera (12) & Timmy (9) up to Orlando to stay at this Marriott Vacation Club hotel her friend & family invited her & her family to.


After some debates and doubts, me and my mom decide, what the hell. We pack, and in about an hour & a half, we get the rental car and get on the road. The ride was terrible. We had a Charger, =/ I had no leg room, and I was forced to be stuck really close to two overactive ass kids. Then, about an hour in, my CD player (what I`ve been using to compensate SaucyCupcake`s robbery) decides to go dead, and my phone`s signal strength completely flopped. I was mad as fuck, right? Tamera and Timmy haven`t mastered the art of not talking, so, I`m suck with nothing to block them out. My aunt turns on the radio, but since she`s all "Godly" or what not, she turns on damn soft rock music that I don`t know. WHAT THE FUCK! I was pretty much looking out of the window, praying for all of it to be over by the second hour, and we`re not even there yet. To top it all off, during half of the ride, I had to pee from drinking so much damn water because I was hot. And I was PMS-ing, so every-little-thing was pissing me

off. Rough afternoon.

fast forward to us getting to the hotel.

It was beautiful, believe me. I didn`t get to take pictures of it in its entirety. Hell, look it up or something if you`re that curious (lol). We checked in and the suite had two bedrooms and two bathrooms, with a luxury kitchen, washer / dryer set and living room area. Things started to look up. And then, a pool. We met the other family, and there was this little boy. Isaiah. The epitome of why I`m getting my tubes tied in the future. The overall place we were living in, was awesome, believe me...But the people I was with. Lmao. Let me not get into that. Aside from my mother`s cronic snoring =/, the beds were wonderful and soft, but left a sour aftertaste after i got home and slept on my hard, familiar one. We went to Universal Studios, been there once, don`t ride anything, don`t like that place & I had to go anyway. The colors were amazing, but it was hot as hell. I was stuck with three children, two girls who I was more mentally mature than even though they were older than me & 5 adults in a hot place where everybody thought they were right about every-freakin`-thing. It started raining. To keep a promise that I made to Chelsea (http://theycallmesaucy.blogspot.com/, shouldn`t have to keep saying this, lol) I took some pictures.

Some that I liked, excuse the B&W =)

 I vow to not go on vacation without an entertainment device again. Seriously. Got some bomb ass lotion, Peony & Nectarine & Raspberries. Smells heavenly, and goes along with my "need to smell/be sweet" obsession. Then it was time to go, by that time the next day. We`re on the Turnpike goin` back to Miami. 150 miles turned to 100 miles turned to 67 miles. By this time, Aunt Peggy already decided to fuck up my flow with hers. It was getting aggrivating as fuck sitting idol in the backseat with my long ass legs getting no justice being "entertained" by the Terrible-Twosome, with them crying, yelling and hitting eachother.

At this point, I think everyone reading knows that I`ve had enough.

Lord, I started craving something sweet to go along with the music I had to indulge in my cerebral. We stopped at a rest stop. The adults, and the youngest left, and then Tamera & I got a dose of Drake while I fiddled with the radio knob.

Dunkin Donuts. A Tribute To Them For Aiding Me In My Time Of Need.

The End.

something // aubrey drake graham.

falling, too fast / clearly - rules don't apply /can't believe that I just met you...
you got me here / watching minutes pass by, / wondering when to expect you.

there you go... / is this a dream? / looking like every picture that I've seen of you before / I've seen it all before...
now that it's over -

shoulda known better than to think this was real and you could be mine.
I shoulda known better, slowed it down, cause I feel you needed time.
but I kept thinking -

this could be something...this could be something, this could be something
this could be, this could be,
this could be something...this could be something, this could be something
maybe it's just nothing at all
but this could be something...

this could be something, this could be somethingthis could be, this could be,this could be something...this could be something, this could be something

maybe it's just nothing at all, at all, at all - maybe it's just nothing at all, at all, at all...

I guess it's what we make it... I guess it's what we make it -


I guess it's what we make it.

...anticipation.

You might be wondering, "Well, what the hell is the purpose of this blog?" or "Oh hell, here comes more random rants..."

But seriously, I'm here to talk about someone who is terribly underrated.

So, yesterday I got word that Mr. Neverson was dropping his mixtape Anticipation at 12 AM. Needless to say, I, being a Trey Songz fan myself, was excited. Me and Chelsea (http://theycallmesaucy.blogspot.com/, check her the fuck out lol) always talk about how Trey is soo underrated. He is uber talented, you guys. Anywho, you know after a certain time of the night, Brandy becomes narcoleptic. So, I just actually downloaded it like, an hour ago. And it has the potential to be my second favorite mixtape of `09. I - I don't think it will surpass my love for So Far Gone, but it sure is right there under it. These other rappers and singers need to really come hard. To even be on my top 10 must mean you have talent out the ass. Trey is a prime example. Most of the songs on Anticipation are slow, Showerlude, Scratchin` Me Up, Does She Know, You Belong To Me, On Top, It Would Be You , Yo Side Of The Bed and a live version of Successful, the collabo with Drake and Lil` Wayne that also appeared on So Far Gone. The rest of the songs, Famous, Infidelity, More Than That, Make It Rain & She Ain't My Girl are more up / mid-tempo. It shows how much he's grown since I Gotta Make It and Trey Day (which I loved to death). Now he has me anticipating Ready, his junior album. I'm soooo excited for it now. AND I'M GOING TO BUY IT. If you know me, you know why I just said that. To cop Anticipation, visit his blog, http://www.seefurtherthaniam.com/.

You wont be disappointed.

chapter three.

Right now, I’m sealing letter nine. I don’t think I can go on like this. My nightmares are getting gorier, more realistic, and that only happens when I’m keeping something from him. I don’t wanna confess to something I’m not sure of. Last night, he didn’t get to call me, but he text me before then. I didn’t feel like sleeping last night. I couldn’t sleep; my mind was so busy with memories. I like to think that he can’t sleep very well without me either, just so that I know he’s feeling the same. Today, my Mac Book Pro came in the mail and I’m excited. Now we can iChat. My mother sensed my happiness and immediately made it bitter sweet. “Brandy, I don’t understand why that boy is so important to you.” It’s becoming hard to bite my tongue. She continued. “He ate, slept and breathed you. Used to be over here at all times of the night comforting you. I think he’s just feeding your abundant, unhealthy need for attention.” Abundant, unhealthy need for attention? If you would’ve provided me with it, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere. So, since I found someone willing to fill a void in my life, you call it unhealthy? This woman needs therapy. See, this is why I don’t come out of my room. She continues to pick at a wound I’m trying to heal. “I think this time apart is good. Maybe you two’ll see how much you don’t need eachother.” Pushed the wrong button. I said, “That’s exactly why. You don’t try to understand. You jump to conclusions. I don’t have to worry about being analyzed around him, unless I want to. Or told what to do. Or ignored. Or brushed off. I don’t need you to do this right now, because I don’t want to have to hurt your feelings” and with that, I took my laptop upstairs. I’m mad that people are not trying to understand how hard this is for us. All my life, the only people who truly have an understanding of me have been my twin and my best friend. Chelsea’s with her boyfriend most of the time, happy, and I don’t wanna fuck that up with my problems. It`s bad enough we share the same soul and brain, so whether she wants to or not, she’ll always feel a little bit of what I feel. I wish everybody would just accept that some friendships will never die. I’m tired of us having to constantly prove ourselves. No alternative motives. People are constantly trying to bring us down. Maybe that’s why I haven’t completely gone crazy. We are not a lost cause. No matter how far away or how many nights I cry, it still won’t be enough to give up. Even if he can’t be with me at night. I can’t just quit on him, because I’d like to think he needs me. Now, more than ever, so close to his dreams. And I need him just as much…

I still cannot believe it...

"And they say why, why? Tell `em that it`s human nature...Why why, does he do me that way?"

Never in a million years, did I think we`d be reporting such sad news so early in his lifetime. I still don`t believe it, and it really took me today to accept the fact that he`s gone. At 6:07 PM, getting ready to see Transformers: Rise of the Fallen, I recieved two messages, one from my best friend Derrick, and one from my great friend Yulayky, saying the same thing. "Michael Jackson died." I`m like, "Wow." My dad looks over at my shocked face, and asked me what I was talking about, so I told him. "Nuh uh," was his reply, "Who sent you that?" When i told him the names, he just dismissed it and told me sometimes I shouldn`t believe everything I hear. Minutes later, CNN reports that Michael Jackson, of age 50, the King of Pop, has died and my father`s eyes widen. "He did! Brandy..." I stare at the TV in disbelief and the only word I could say was wow. My mom is staring at the screen as well, and she shakes her head, "Wow, Michael`s gone..." My head fell.

Fast forward to me and my mom getting into the car, and driving on the horribly crowded interstate. Our movie started at seven, and I was slightly frustrated because it didn`t look like we`d make it in time. I have the radio up to one of the more informative stations, Hot 105. I sign into Twitter on my phone, and he`s become the Trending Topic. This man is a legend. They report that CNN, MSNBC, and the New York Times have confirmed Michael`s death and say that the rest of Mr. Baisdon`s show will be dedicated to the late King of Pop. The first song that they play, in this dedication is one of my favorites, "Human Nature". Me and my mom silently enjoy the music, mouthing along with the words. Our grief is speechless, but bears a thousand volumes. I text Chelsea, and its 6:34 where we are, telling her, "Michael Jackson died, mama." Immediately afterwards, she calls me, on the interstate on the way to Montgomery, AL to see her sister. "Are you serious? I can`t believe it...I didn`t want to, but I turned on the radio and its everywhere..." All I can do is sympathize with her denial. "Brandy, I wanna pull over, and fuckin` bawl." I rub my face, "Me too, but I`m not driving...so yeah, but I understand." Rock With You starts playing. "Okay, Bee, I`m on the interstate...I`ll talk to you later." We hung up. After that, the rest of the carride is silent. As hurt as I am, as grief stricken, I can`t cry. I can`t cry. We finally get to the movies, and I`m enjoying the movie partially, with Michael and his legacy still on my mind. "What`ll happen to the kids?" I think..."are all his partially estranged family together right now?"

This man is a legend. People use his albums, and read them like textbooks trying to understand his success and how to conform that into their own talent. This recording artist, philantropist, entertainer, businessman, idol is gone. His music is still apprieciated everywhere, despite the scandals, the lies and the misrepresentation. The World, is crying for him right now. Not just the US, not just the United Kingdoms, not just Africa, India, Asia...all of them, together we`re mourning the loss of a King. Let word of him, be good word and memories, be good memories at a sad time in Pop Culture, and the music industry.

Michael Joseph Jackson

August 29th, 1958 - June 25th, 2009.

You will be terribly missed, love.