I'm so tired of feeling that I don't deserve some one special. I do, 17 years too late I realize that I do deserved to feel cared about and loved. Why am I still single? Besides the fact that I may not be a supermodel, because people I know - and I'm not saying this to be mean in any way - are not that damn attractive eiether and they still have something that I don't. Love. Not friend love, of that I have enough. Not family love. I have just what I need of that. But something different and stronger than all of that combined. Everytime I call myself liking someone in that different way I ALWAYS get hurt. They don't feel the same. They don't feel anything at all. They do feel the same, but for somebody else. There's this guy at school, and I swear he likes me. It's the little things. But he's shorter than me, and it frustrates me that I don't give everyone a chance. It frustrates me that I'm shallow...not much, but enough to make me feel like I'll never find the the type of guy I'm looking for. Never find one that's interested in me. My bestfriend Kyrea says that I'm too awesome to be with someone right now. I hope not that much, because I want a guy that I can call my own & that will accept me for who I am. And not hurt me. Or make me cry. Spent 7 years crying, and I refuse to shed another tear over another boy that could give a less fuck about me. This one guy has been being really nice to me...but I keep my guard up. I spend nights just sitting up asking myself what could he possibly want from me? I don't trust people with my heart that don't earn it. I hate being this way, but it's how I keep myself from getting hurt. That's how I make sure the people in my circle are in it for the long run. I'm tired of feeling alone, no matter how many people love me. This other guy, I have a horrible crush on him. Just thinking about him right now sends my imagination on a journey. But we're so incompatible from my point of view. He's all I want and I'm all he doesn't. When he's around, my vocal cords completely stop working. But he doesn't like me, nor does he known I exist so it's stupid to let my delusions of grandure continue, right? Try telling my brain that. I'm so confused and it's killing me to not know which way I wanna go on all those situations. I'll take my own advice; let it play out and just hope for the best...

there really isn`t a point to this one...

I`m very frustrated right now. A small part of me feels like I fuck up everything for myself. It`s enough to make me feel that way in almost every situation I`m in. Maybe I place too much of my mind into one thing, and as many times as I do that I never seem to get the same amount of whatever I was looking for back. Won`t go into detail as to what I`m talking about, because frankly I`m getting a bit tired of it being the only thing on my mind all the time. Giving one person/object/thought so much attention, when I shouldn`t. When it`s nothing, really. Spending too much energy trying to analyze things, people, and just forget to go with the flow. And not only do I use up energy, I usually get fucked over at the end and have to pick myself up off the floor. I mean, I can`t help it because its in my nature. But I`m tired of always fucking things up by overthinking every little sentence, or dream, or whatever. Letting it control my emotions. So right now, I say fuck it.

I`m gonna go with the flow again.

P.S. i just read this over, and I didn`t mean to say the word fuck like, [ counts ] 5 times, including in this sentence. I didn`t mean for it to come off like I was mad. But then again, frustration and anger run pretty close to eachother. Frustration has more thinking involved, when anger is just a feeling that stems from emotional/mental/physical pain or displeasure.