....wow.

hey boy, yeah you;
I hope you`re not here to harm me
see sometimes, you`re charming
sometimes, you`re alarming...
made to disarm me, but I can`t let you.

not letting you get next to me is hard; you try, and effort counts in my book.
not reprimanding myself for trusting you is hard; known alot of people like you...with hidden motives.
not ignoring you when you call me is hard; one night, alone it was like 6 times...=/.
not forcing you away from picking my brain is hard, it`s a dark and scary place in there & I`m not too sure you`re ready.
not blaming you for the circumstance you`ve put me is hard; it`s your fault.
not rolling my eyes when you lie to me is hard; you tell little white lies that irk the hell out of me. not hanging up when you say my name too many times is hard; annoying...stop it.
not fleeing when you say "I love you," is hard; because it never feels completely platonic when you say it.

so i let you...probably shouldn`t but, yeah.

what im thinking right now //

numero uno; things I have to say before the eighteenth of august.

by way of mouth, words, text messages, or this here blog;

Words cannot express how proud I am of you right now. I may not have been there to watch the full transition from kid to collegiate, but what I have seen is enough. Tomorrow, you will be leaving on your way to a totally new chapter in your life. You`re the bestest bestfriend I`ve never had. I remember the summer before last, what an emotional wreck we deemed eachother; what we wanted to fix, things we wanted to change, go way and get better. How we continuously used our phones to share our lives. How unseparable we were, the bond we were forming. Years have passed, and that bond has only gotten stronger. I can feel you, even if you`re 690+ miles away. I feel that you`re scared shitless, excited, regretful to leave the nest but happy that you`ve made it through highschool. We`ve managed to escape all the bullshit, all the tears, most of the hurt, the aggravation from the past and overcome so much. And become the people that we`re supposed to be. I`m more happy for you than you think. You were always the more emotionally expressive twin. I`m writing this here because if I say it to you, to anyone, I`ll cry...harder than you are probably right now. Everyone that I`ve told about you, that you`re leaving off to college soon, that you`re my best friend, they say, "Oh, well...I don`t think you guys will be as close anymore, she`ll have other things to do." I get so mad and then I have to remember that they don`t know what we`ve already been through. Even you sometimes doubt our bond`s longevity, but I`m gonna always be here to listen. A few more miles and more responsibilties will not change that. I just hope you don`t grow up too much and find me completely immature. Funny thought, right? I hope it won`t happen, I have a feeling it won`t, even if I have to chant something every Sunday along with my "I will have a good week this week" mantra to help that along. Bring more positivity with positivity. It`s just a fear that pops up in the back of my head. Anyway, back to where I was going with this. I`m just writing to clear my head of all I`ve been thinking this summer about this change. I don`t usually like changes. The fact that I may not be able to talk to you as much, or our schedules won`t mesh very well, or you might not have a laptop as soon as you`d like is something we`ll just have to deal with because I`m in it for the long run =D Not letting this go, not without a fight. I`m excited - no excuse me, I`m very excited for you. And I`m sorry I don`t ever sound like it when we talk about it on the phone. It`s just all of these thoughts reeling around in my head at once and it gets hard to focus on just being happy / excited when there`s so much else inside. Don`t get sad about some of these feelings, because I`ll get over it once I hear how happy you are. Because that`s what a best friend does for a best friend. Support eachother. You`ve held your end of the bargain, but we`re not done yet. I love you, and I`m proud of you, Chelsea. HOT DAMN YOU`RE A COLLEGE STUDENT [ pumps fist ]!

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numero dos; this could be something, the sequel.

that was written for a reason, oh yes oh yes;

I mean, it`s not serious or anything, but - you still cross my mind sometimes. I don`t regret. Just goin` through those "what if`s". I`m sure you understand. Better yet, I know you understand. Met under the wrong circumstances. Usually, I`m r&b, hip hop with a dash of punk rock. But with you, I could`ve been soft jazz, maybe even your acoustic guitar. At this moment, by myself, with my thoughts, I`m neo-soul. Maybe, maybe, maybe...maybe if you were this, maybe if I were that. Maybe if you were available, maybe if my morals weren`t so strong. I`m not the type of person who dwells on the end, but this was something different. It could`ve been completely something else but God didn`t want that so he didn`t do so. I`ve learned not to question him. Truly, you are unlike anyone I`ve ever met. With or without those feelings I`ve tossed aside. Like snowstorms in Africa, or hurricanes in China. Different, unbelievable, beautiful, possibly distructive... Never met anyone that had so strong of a hold on my interest. You kept me guessing, I love meeting people that can do that because not very many can. You give me hope, maybe there is someone with a soul as beautiful as yours out there for me. What I`ve accepted is that you`re not the one to fill that void I silently search for with my heart. I can honestly say I`m saddened by that, but we live and we learn. We live and we grow. With this experience, I take it and I use it to continue to grow into that person im destined to be. All I can say, and the last thing I will say about us, you, me and this is thankyou.

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P.S. - i think this blog is helping me better express myself. and P.P.S. my thoughts are very long winded, hence how long this is, lol.

emotional clarity.

You never realize how much you hold inside until it's all fighting to be let go. When you feel like you're on your last leg of sanity. Something has to give, right? Your brain stem taps in and braces you for the mental cleansing. In the past couple months, everything I've felt has built up to this point of freedom. I already am a "stress internalizer", so frankly this was not something I needed. It started off as just being overtly too happy, then excited, and as I overthought my excitement, my imagination went wild. Anybody that knows me on a personal level, knows that I only need a little inch of freetime and one statement to take into as many different contexts as possible and develop this whole living organism of thoughts. That keep me up at night, entertain me even when it's not the right time to. I mean, I enjoy it when it's not severe. I let it grow, with no restraints and found myself in a horrible place filled with anxiety, doubt, frustration and over-analyzation. A place that I have no control of, a place that lives in all of us as human beings, no matter how "emotionally stable" you think you are. Needless to say, I needed to get out of there fast because as a person that feeds off positive energy and even recycles my own, I was being starved. There was an extent to how happy I could be. The last two posts were proof of that. True happiness has no limitations. I think what finally pulled me out of that slump was having somebody say they were feeling the same way I was that didn't really know me that well to have just been saying it to make me happy. Empathy. People forget how small things like that can make alot of difference. It's the littlest things that take me there, like Lily Allen said. For me, it's always a person I wouldn't expect to make me feel better. Something really cool happened, a while ago too and aside for the giggle and occasional, "Oh my life, that was funn..." I'm not even over-thinking it. Some things need that much attention, and ones that make you happy usually don't. Just go with the flow...=D