...anticipation.

You might be wondering, "Well, what the hell is the purpose of this blog?" or "Oh hell, here comes more random rants..."

But seriously, I'm here to talk about someone who is terribly underrated.

So, yesterday I got word that Mr. Neverson was dropping his mixtape Anticipation at 12 AM. Needless to say, I, being a Trey Songz fan myself, was excited. Me and Chelsea (http://theycallmesaucy.blogspot.com/, check her the fuck out lol) always talk about how Trey is soo underrated. He is uber talented, you guys. Anywho, you know after a certain time of the night, Brandy becomes narcoleptic. So, I just actually downloaded it like, an hour ago. And it has the potential to be my second favorite mixtape of `09. I - I don't think it will surpass my love for So Far Gone, but it sure is right there under it. These other rappers and singers need to really come hard. To even be on my top 10 must mean you have talent out the ass. Trey is a prime example. Most of the songs on Anticipation are slow, Showerlude, Scratchin` Me Up, Does She Know, You Belong To Me, On Top, It Would Be You , Yo Side Of The Bed and a live version of Successful, the collabo with Drake and Lil` Wayne that also appeared on So Far Gone. The rest of the songs, Famous, Infidelity, More Than That, Make It Rain & She Ain't My Girl are more up / mid-tempo. It shows how much he's grown since I Gotta Make It and Trey Day (which I loved to death). Now he has me anticipating Ready, his junior album. I'm soooo excited for it now. AND I'M GOING TO BUY IT. If you know me, you know why I just said that. To cop Anticipation, visit his blog, http://www.seefurtherthaniam.com/.

You wont be disappointed.

chapter three.

Right now, I’m sealing letter nine. I don’t think I can go on like this. My nightmares are getting gorier, more realistic, and that only happens when I’m keeping something from him. I don’t wanna confess to something I’m not sure of. Last night, he didn’t get to call me, but he text me before then. I didn’t feel like sleeping last night. I couldn’t sleep; my mind was so busy with memories. I like to think that he can’t sleep very well without me either, just so that I know he’s feeling the same. Today, my Mac Book Pro came in the mail and I’m excited. Now we can iChat. My mother sensed my happiness and immediately made it bitter sweet. “Brandy, I don’t understand why that boy is so important to you.” It’s becoming hard to bite my tongue. She continued. “He ate, slept and breathed you. Used to be over here at all times of the night comforting you. I think he’s just feeding your abundant, unhealthy need for attention.” Abundant, unhealthy need for attention? If you would’ve provided me with it, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere. So, since I found someone willing to fill a void in my life, you call it unhealthy? This woman needs therapy. See, this is why I don’t come out of my room. She continues to pick at a wound I’m trying to heal. “I think this time apart is good. Maybe you two’ll see how much you don’t need eachother.” Pushed the wrong button. I said, “That’s exactly why. You don’t try to understand. You jump to conclusions. I don’t have to worry about being analyzed around him, unless I want to. Or told what to do. Or ignored. Or brushed off. I don’t need you to do this right now, because I don’t want to have to hurt your feelings” and with that, I took my laptop upstairs. I’m mad that people are not trying to understand how hard this is for us. All my life, the only people who truly have an understanding of me have been my twin and my best friend. Chelsea’s with her boyfriend most of the time, happy, and I don’t wanna fuck that up with my problems. It`s bad enough we share the same soul and brain, so whether she wants to or not, she’ll always feel a little bit of what I feel. I wish everybody would just accept that some friendships will never die. I’m tired of us having to constantly prove ourselves. No alternative motives. People are constantly trying to bring us down. Maybe that’s why I haven’t completely gone crazy. We are not a lost cause. No matter how far away or how many nights I cry, it still won’t be enough to give up. Even if he can’t be with me at night. I can’t just quit on him, because I’d like to think he needs me. Now, more than ever, so close to his dreams. And I need him just as much…

I still cannot believe it...

"And they say why, why? Tell `em that it`s human nature...Why why, does he do me that way?"

Never in a million years, did I think we`d be reporting such sad news so early in his lifetime. I still don`t believe it, and it really took me today to accept the fact that he`s gone. At 6:07 PM, getting ready to see Transformers: Rise of the Fallen, I recieved two messages, one from my best friend Derrick, and one from my great friend Yulayky, saying the same thing. "Michael Jackson died." I`m like, "Wow." My dad looks over at my shocked face, and asked me what I was talking about, so I told him. "Nuh uh," was his reply, "Who sent you that?" When i told him the names, he just dismissed it and told me sometimes I shouldn`t believe everything I hear. Minutes later, CNN reports that Michael Jackson, of age 50, the King of Pop, has died and my father`s eyes widen. "He did! Brandy..." I stare at the TV in disbelief and the only word I could say was wow. My mom is staring at the screen as well, and she shakes her head, "Wow, Michael`s gone..." My head fell.

Fast forward to me and my mom getting into the car, and driving on the horribly crowded interstate. Our movie started at seven, and I was slightly frustrated because it didn`t look like we`d make it in time. I have the radio up to one of the more informative stations, Hot 105. I sign into Twitter on my phone, and he`s become the Trending Topic. This man is a legend. They report that CNN, MSNBC, and the New York Times have confirmed Michael`s death and say that the rest of Mr. Baisdon`s show will be dedicated to the late King of Pop. The first song that they play, in this dedication is one of my favorites, "Human Nature". Me and my mom silently enjoy the music, mouthing along with the words. Our grief is speechless, but bears a thousand volumes. I text Chelsea, and its 6:34 where we are, telling her, "Michael Jackson died, mama." Immediately afterwards, she calls me, on the interstate on the way to Montgomery, AL to see her sister. "Are you serious? I can`t believe it...I didn`t want to, but I turned on the radio and its everywhere..." All I can do is sympathize with her denial. "Brandy, I wanna pull over, and fuckin` bawl." I rub my face, "Me too, but I`m not driving...so yeah, but I understand." Rock With You starts playing. "Okay, Bee, I`m on the interstate...I`ll talk to you later." We hung up. After that, the rest of the carride is silent. As hurt as I am, as grief stricken, I can`t cry. I can`t cry. We finally get to the movies, and I`m enjoying the movie partially, with Michael and his legacy still on my mind. "What`ll happen to the kids?" I think..."are all his partially estranged family together right now?"

This man is a legend. People use his albums, and read them like textbooks trying to understand his success and how to conform that into their own talent. This recording artist, philantropist, entertainer, businessman, idol is gone. His music is still apprieciated everywhere, despite the scandals, the lies and the misrepresentation. The World, is crying for him right now. Not just the US, not just the United Kingdoms, not just Africa, India, Asia...all of them, together we`re mourning the loss of a King. Let word of him, be good word and memories, be good memories at a sad time in Pop Culture, and the music industry.

Michael Joseph Jackson

August 29th, 1958 - June 25th, 2009.

You will be terribly missed, love.

the next installment, enjoy. =)

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chapter two.

I think it’d be best for me not to tell him how much I’ve been crying. Maybe, it’s not something he needs to know. Not something anyone needs to tell him while he tries to get in the zone for another concert, especially somebody that he cares about so much. When we’re on the phone, I sound happy about everything, but knowing him, he knows the truth. If he does, he never says anything. He can tell everything about me. Yesterday, he called me while I was in the middle of crying. I couldn’t not answer and worry him, so I just sniffled and answered the phone. First thing he said, after our “hello’s” and “how are you’s” was, “Stop crying….you sound congested.” I can look at him, and he knows how I feel & I don’t have to say it. Silent understanding. I can say one thing, and he knows that it means another. It’s maddening not having around the one person who knows you like you know yourself. My solace. Usually, at night he stays over with me at least until I go to sleep. I suffer from reoccurring nightmares. We talk absentmindedly, but if it gets too quiet for too long, I snuggle up to him with my head on his chest, and then I’m out like a light. I think that’s why he calls me at night, to give me some comfort. I don’t tell him that it usually never works, and sometimes I have to pretend that I’m sleepy just so he can hang up the phone with me and go to sleep himself. I don’t want him to be tired trying to please me. It wouldn’t be fair t0 do that, even if he is my best friend and wants to. Sleep is pretty much pointless for me without someone else’s body heat. My parents don’t approve of us being best friends at all, but ultimately this is my life. I’ve chosen to ignore them, not rebelling, but for their reasons against us. They say, “Why you always around that boy? What is it that he does for you that your sister, your dad and I can’t give?” and I always think to reply, he loves me & understands me on a level that nobody has been to but him. He’s not family, so his love is different from your love. But they don’t think we know what that type of love is…they also don’t feel there’s anything that drastic about me for him to be the only one who understands. Yeah, they’re also full of shit. When I get tired of not sleeping, Chelsea lets me sleep with her. It’s comforting, but sometimes I feel that I burden people with my problems. He says I should get out of that habit, because he’ll always be there to listen. Bad habits are hard to break. But I like to think I’ll always have somebody there to listen, and hold. I like to think he’ll come through for me, no matter how far away he gets. He says, "I ain't let you down yet, right Bee?" and I smile at the tone of his voice, 'cause we know both that he won't.

Inspired by my Twitter friend Alanna`s words (www.twitter.com/peacelovewords) on my literary slump, I decided to get back into my writing groove. It always gave me peace of mind when things weren`t going right, and I miss the outlet. So, I`ll also, in addition to posting graphics, random songs & my thoughts, be posting chapters or what not to what I`m working on when it comes to writing. Without further adu, here`s the start of my fictional masterpiece.

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chapter one.

It’s been five days since he’s been gone, and I find myself reverting back into who I used to be without him. Only problem is, I don’t like who I am without him. When he’s around, I feel invincible no matter what the truth is. He’s not here, and I understand that I’m vulnerable. He’s told me not to worry about it and I shouldn’t but its hard not to. He told me, "Everytime you think about me, write me a letter. Keep writing, till every thought you have about me is on the paper in front of you & then seal it in an envelope. I’ll read them when I get back, all of them, I promise..." and kissed my forehead. I’m on the seventh letter. I’m just here, alone, pensive, but we both knew one day this would happen. He’d blow up, get global, go off on tour where every girl loves him & screams for him, at him and the other guys, while I’m holding him down here, losing my mind and the little bit of patience I have left day after day. Out of the millions of people loving him now, all their love will never compare to just one day of mine, he said. Watching him on concert has brought me closer into reality, so I’m starting to disagree. I’d like to think he believes what he says. I know if he didn’t, we’d both be in the same problem instead of just me. I like to think he understands what’s happening right now, that it`s not just my parents that think we shouldn’t be as close as we are, now the whole world agrees. I sit in my room while Chelsea goes out and represents for the both of us, and listen to music hoping that his voice doesn’t come up on my iPod’s shuffle. It would only send me into a fit of unwanted tears. I’m tired of crying. Twin says, "Cheer the fuck up...he’ll be back and then you guys can be again." I tell Chels that it’s not gonna be simple like that anymore. She gets asked the same questions by our friends everyday, “Is Bee okay?”, “How’s she holding up?”, or my personal favorite, “Still haven’t came out of her room yet?” It’s not that easy to bounce back from feelings like these. We talk almost every day, he texts me, I text back, he IMs me, I hit back, he calls me & we talk until his voice lulls me into sleep I haven’t been getting. Am I selfish, because it’s not enough?

She`s okay now, you guys. No need to worry. There wasn`t really a need for this blog, just except to tell you guys that my playlist is updated ^_^. It`s definetly on its grown & sexy right now.

[ not in this order ]

1. Bria`s Interlude - Drake & Omarion

2. Needs - Omarion

3. Take It Off - Pharrell & The Yessirs

4. Girlfriend - DAY26

5. Just Know - Marcel

6. Zodiac - Chris King

7. Pillow Talk - Kid Cudi

8. Come Close - Common & Mary J

9. Come Winter - Drake

10. Future In You - FDM

11. Lust For Life - Drake

12. Identity - Jermaine Riley

* i might add, like 8 more songs before the night is over, but I`ll edit them in.

&& I did a Drake graphic for my twin, Saucy, over at Houstalantavegas (theycallmesaucy.blogspot.com) and I think I`m in love with it. You be the judge.

[ click to view it bigger ]

I was inspired by this vision of little bubbles floating around him, they symbolize all of his thoughts, the bright ones being good thoughts, and the darker ones, not so much. They surround him, some of them are embedded into him, attached, because he`s So Far Gone.

[ snaps fingers ]

I guess I should follow my own words...

"eventually, everything will be okay..."

I say that alot, and I`m trying to figure out is it because I psyche myself out or is it because I try to make other people see. I`m a girl young woman, with dreams, with goals, I have my own problems, my own vices, I tend to have an overactive imagination, I try not to overreact, I spread my love because I know that sometimes people don`t get enough of it & to fix that I try to love everybody, I keep a level head in bad situations just because I know that people are prone to freakin` out. I listen to others when they need an ear because I`d rather help somebody with their own problems, than face my own. I keep a positive bubble to take refuge in, in the midst of negativity coming from all sides. I never seem to stay that way. Someone puts their bad feelings against the side of my bubble and it pops before I even have the time to apprieciate it. And when it does get bad, I never take my own advice. How`ve I become the poster child for something I don`t preach? Right now, things are spinning out of control too fast and I don`t really believe I`ll be able to handle it if this shit decides to hit the fan. My mom`s sitting up in a hospital, everyone`s emotions are running high & my father thinks that pushing his anger and frustration out on everyone else will help us. Not at all. I don`t know how long I`ll be able to say to myself, "eventually, everything will be okay..." Maybe we should take up Yoga or suttin` cause I`m losing it over here.